Silly but Killy
by Palladius
Summary: What if there were no Humans in Mass Effect? What if there were Orks instead? The Council would have a lot less sleep, for one thing.
1. Chapta Wun - Edun da Furst Wun

"Da jump be dun. All da shiny bitz be green and da drift be jus' unda fifteen hunderd kay."

"Fifteen hundred is good. Your captain will be pleased."

The pilot waited until the Turian had disappeared into the bowels of the kroozer before speaking.

"I wanna smash dat spiky git."

"'E jus' sed a nice fing, ya squigbrain."

"Ay. 'E sed I wuz gud. Membring ta pick yer teef afta eatin a grot is gud. I be dead gud. 'Sides, I dun like dem kommando types. Dey make me bak tingle."

"Everywun make yer bak tingle, you shud see da dok about dat. Da spikies gave lots of teef for dis shiny new kroozer, dey got a rite to send sumwun to make sure we don' break all da bitz."

"Den why da zog they send a kommando, ya git? Dey shoulda sent sum dum mek."

A new voice cut in, much deeper, growlier and more Orky than the other two.

"'E's gotta point dere. Da kaptin ain't tellin us everything about dat spiky git, I can feel it."

"Gah! Sheppurt, I didunt see you dere."

"Of cors you didunt ya git. Kommando Sheppurt is dead sneaky."

"Zog yourself, weirdboy."

"Oy. No fights on me dekk."

The conversation was interrupted by a voice from the talky-majik.

"Oy Jokka, I wan' reportz sent to Warboss Hakkit before we gets to da kolony."

"You gottit, kaptin. I fink dat spiky git's on 'is way to you."

"'E's alreddy here."

The talky-majik cut off in a blast of static.

"Da kaptin sounds kross. Tell Addumz to keep 'im away from da grots in da enjin room, we need dem in ... intak ... not dead."

"'E always torks like dat to me."

"Dat's cuz you's a whiny grotbrain."

Shaking his head, Kommando Sheppurt left Jokka and Kadun to their perpetual argument, heading back through the roughly fashioned corridors of the kroozer. After a couple of minutes meandering and a short exchange with Prezzly, the nob in charge of keeping the grots manning the bridge in line, he found himself in the bossing room, the area of the ship where the kaptin gave orders to his subordinates. Instead of Kaptin Andazon, Sheppurt found himself alone with the Turian Spectre that had been the source of Jokka's ire.

"Ah, Kommando. I was hoping you'd get here first. It gives us a chance to talk."

"Where's da kaptin?"

"On his way. I'm curious about this colony we're going to. Edun Da Furst Wun is something of a symbol to the Hakkit administration, isn't it. Proof that Orks can not only colonise a planet without destroying its ecosystem but that your species is capable of living alongside others with only occasional violence. But how secure is it really?"

"Frettening an Ork on 'is own kroozer is ten kindsa dum, spikey."

"Not threatening, merely asking."

"Well I'll tell ya dis den. You find me sumwun willin to attak an Orky kolony and I find sumwun who shud be chopped fer da gud of dere spe ... speshi ... race. Wot's dis all about anyway?"

Sheppurt looked round as the Kaptin entered the room.

"I fink we shud tell Sheppurt wot's rilly going on. Dis mishun is more dan a test run. Dere's a Profean beecun on Edun Da Furst Wun."

"Obviously this goes beyond mere Orkish interests Kommando. The beacon should be brought to the Citadel for proper study."

"Proppa study? Zog dat. Kaptin, we found da fing so it's Orky now. Dat's da way it's always been."

"Shut yer zog hole Sheppurt. Boss Hakkit sez we share wiv da spikies, da squishies and da bounsies, so dat's wot we do."

"Dat's not all, is it Kaptin?"

"No. Da spiky is here to eva ... evaloo ... test you. Dey want an Orky Spectur."

"Of cors dey want an Orky Spectur, green is best aftur all. But why me?"

Nihlus took it upon himself to explain.

"Your record speaks for itself. You led the defence during the Batarian attack on Elysium, then went on to serve with distinction during the retaliatory raid on Torfan."

"Hur hur, dat was fun. Smashin' squints is always a gud larf."

"The fact is that you have proven to be an exemplary combatant even for an Ork and unlike the rest of your species you have a basic grasp of subtlety. You are an excellent Spectre candidate on paper, I'm here to see if you really have what it ... takes ... Sheppurt?"

Part way through the Turian's speech, both Orks had lost interest, instead staring intently towards the bow of the ship.

"You feel dat, Kaptin?"

"Yeh. I feel it. Which kinda begz da queschun ... why the Zog is dere a Waaagh! on Edun Da Furst Wun?"

Nihlus glanced from one to the other, confused.

"Get ya gear on, Sheppurt. Tell da boyz to get dere bitz too. Dere's a fight happenin' on dat dere planet and I want to kno why da zog we wuzunt invited."

###

"Carm down Kommando. Dey's just gas bags. A gud larf to shoot but mostly 'armless."

Sheppurt silently thanked the Ork who had spoken up. He had been about to unload his kustom shoota into the nearest of the floating creatures.

Edun Da Furst Wun was a warzone. Across the colony, Orks clashed with an unknown enemy, hurling themselves into the fray with any improvised weapon they could find. A colossal dreadnought hung over the colony's spaceport, its menacingly insectoid appearance, apparently meant to intimidate observers, having the exact opposite effect on the Orks below.

"Uh, Kommando, dere's sum flyin fings shootin' at us."

"Well shoot bak, ya dum gitz!"

"We is! Dey're hard ta hit!"

Sighing, Sheppurt turned to the slightly smaller Ork beside him.

"Yer up, Kadun."

The weirdboy stepped past him, raising his weirdstikk and waving it in the general direction of the flying drones. The four light aerial units were abruptly shredded by a ball of roiling mass effect energy that appeared in midair and disappeared as soon as it was done. As the mangled wrecks fell to the ground Sheppurt walked up to the one boy they had managed to down, idly backhanding an Ork that failed to get out of his way and sending the unfortunate individual sailing into the wall of the canyon. The deceased was the same boy who had warned him about the gas bags.

"Squigbrain fergot 'is sparky bitz, boss."

If the boy was dumb enough to leave his kinetic barrier generator behind the crew was better off without him.

"Wot a tard. Anywun else ferget dere sparky bitz?"

Three more Orks sheepishly raised their hands.

"Fer zog's sake ... Jus' don' get shot up, kay?"

Without waiting for a reply, Sheppurt led them deeper into the battle. Soon enough the sound of gunfire drew their attention.

"Dat's an Orky shoota! Les go, lads!"

With assorted cries of glee, the Orkish mob ran off towards the sound. Cresting the hill, Sheppurt and Kadun observed a smaller Ork sprinting towards them, pursued by two more of the little drones.

"Hold it lads. Dis shud be dead funny."

To the surprise of the assembled mob, the smaller Ork drew a heavily customised pistol and spun mid-stride, sliding along the ground on his back and taking out both drones with pinpoint accurate shots. As they watched, the Ork slid behind a rock, drawing an impressive looking shoota from his back and preparing to leap out and open fire.

"Well, is you gunna fight or just leave dem all for me?"

With a roar, Sheppurt led his mob down to fall upon the enemies. These ones were slightly more Orkoid in shape, wielding fancy curved rifles that they used to blaze away at the approaching mob. Two of the Orks, both part of the group who lacked kinetic barriers, were cut down before a return volley shredded the hostile automatons.

In the aftermath of the short engagement, Sheppurt approached the Ork who had been firing from behind the rock.

"Wut's your name, git?"

The Flash Git shrugged, the motion making the massive pack containing his ammunition shift over his shoulders.

"Dey calls me Ash, mostly cuz I like burnin' stuff. Who's you?"

"I be Kommando Sheppurt. What's happenin' on dis dam kolony?"

"We's being attaked. I dunno but I fink dey be Geff."

"Geff ey?"

One of the Orks in the back spoke up.

"Er, Boss. Whut be a Geff?"

"Dey're robot boys da bukkits made, now shaddup."

"Yeh, Geff. Dey bring gud dakka but dey aren't gud wiv a choppa."

"Gud ta know. Okays Ash, takes us to where da Profean bitz are."

"Got it Boss."

Ash led the mob further into the dig site, the Orks tearing apart another fire team of Geth on the way. When they reached the location, Sheppurt turned to Ash.

"You sed it wuz here, ya git!"

"I sed it wuz here last I chekked. Da meks musta moved it ta da spessport. It be dis way."

"You betta be rite dis time."

"Yeh, I get da deal."

Just up the ramp, they came to a campsite, the Orky firepits and bedrolls in stark contrast to a pair of Council prefabs. Clearly this was where the Citadel research team were staying.

"Uh, Boss ..."

"Wot?"

"We's got a littul problum."

"Wot it it?"

"Dat."

Sheppurt's eyes followed the pointed finger all the way to the Orky bodies impaled on fifteen foot spikes.

"Oh. Dat."

The bodies were pulling themselves off the spikes, showcasing the blue-grey cybernetics running through their flesh. Empty eye sockets fixed upon the Orks and as one the reanimated corpses charged, choppas waving.

"Lay some dakka on dem!"

As one the Orks opened fire, a wall of hot lead flying from their guns and smashing into the onrushing corpses. They didn't go down easy however, taking out three more boys before the last one was downed. Kadun looked at a deceased Husk with what looked like admiration.

"Dem's dead killy."

"Boss! Dere be some gits hidin' in dis box!"

Sheppurt made his way over to the prefab, stepping through the doorway after some creative geometry to squeeze his Orkish body through a door made for Asari.

"A bounsy and a squishy. Wunderful."

The Asari seemed not to notice his disparaging assessment, instead gushing her thanks. Bored of the conversation, Sheppurt wandered out again.

"Zoggin' Council gits fink dey's betta den us, but when dere's fightin' ta be dun dey always hide behind da boys."

Kadun nodded his agreement.

"I 'ear ya, boss. Arf da time dey ain't even worth smashin'."

"Alrite lads, les go!"

Now down almost a third of their strength, the Ork mob continued on.

###

"Ay Dok. 'E's wakin' up."

Sheppurt slowly opened his eyes, growling at the pounding in his head.

"Wut da zog happent?"

Kadun, who had been sitting on the other side of the Dok's room, shrugged inasmuch as he could do so while the dok sewed his arm back on.

"Sum zogged up gubbinz, boss. Ow much does yous 'member?"

"Uh ... Lemme fink ... Oh yeah. Your arm jus' got blowed off by dat proppa big Geff. Dat was a larf."

"Fanks boss, I fort so too. Speschully since I made wun of da boys carry it for me da rest of da way. Afta we did dat, we found some Geff bomms and smashed 'um, den we found da Profean bitz and it did sumfink to ya 'ead. We 'ad ta drag ya all da way bak to da kroozer."

"Fanks for dat. Nex' time sumwun else can carry da Profean bitz. Oh 'ello Dok. Is I gud?"

The dok's cybork eye rolled around in his skull apparently independent of his other one, and the scanner beam only occasionally swept over him. In the end the dok plucked the entire assemblage out of his face, holding the eye still to complete the scan.

"Yeah, you's good Kommando. But you wus out fer five-teen owwers, and it looked like you wus finking in yer sleep. Torking a little bit too."

Sheppurt stood up, rubbing his head.

"I's 'member ... it wus like a Waaagh! but bigger ... like every Ork in da galaxy was all joined togevva in one massive Waaagh! against dose Geff bots. I fink it wus wut happent to da Profeans."

"Dat's dead wikked, Boss."

"It makes me 'ead 'urt."

"I can fix dat."

Just as Sheppurt realised he had made the catastrophic error of admitting he was hurt in front of a dok, the Kaptin walked into the dok's lair.

"I's need ta tork ta Sheppurt. Alone."

"You gottit, Kaptin."

Kadun and the dok left the room, leaving Andazon alone with Sheppurt.

"Dat boy you torked to at da spessport where da spiky got chopped. You's sure 'e said it wus anuvva spiky?"

"You mean dat one 'oo got 'is legs blowed off? Yeah, 'e said da Spectur got dakka in da 'ead from a spiky called Sarrun. Da boy sed da too of dem knew each uvva."

"Dat makes sense. Sarrun is a Spectur also, wun of da best, an' 'e 'ates Orks."

"So does all da spikies. Dey still mad about us kikking dem all da way bak to dere home plannit. 'Ow many of dere kolonys did we burn before da bounsies came and torked to Hakkit?"

"If I 'member gud, it wus five. But Sarrun 'ates us extra speshul."

"Woteva da zog for?"

"I don't give a zog wot for. We shud tell Hakkit about dis."

"Where's we headed now, boss?"

"Ter da Citadel."

"Ah zog. I 'ate the zoggin' Citadel. All dey evva do dere is tork about gubbinz."

"I know, but Hakkit wants us to give da Council a proppa Orky yellin' at, so dat's where we's goin'. Speakin' of yellin' ats, go tell Jokka to get a zoggin' move on."

**GLOSSARY**

**Spiky**: Turian.

**Squishy**: Salarian.

**Bounsy**: Asari.

**Squint**: Batarian.

**Teef**: 1. Teeth. (Always pik yer teef afta eatin' a grot.) 2. Slang term for currency (Dat trukk musta cost a ton of teef.) Originates from the ancient Orkish practice of using the teeth of slain enemies as currency, still practiced in the Ork-dominated Zakera ward and most Ork colonies.

**Zog**: 1. Common Orkish curse, meaning unknown. (Zog off!) 2. Orkish slang term for other species's courtship behaviours. (Look at dose spikeys zoggin' in da street.)


	2. Chapta Too - Meet da Kroo

"So dis is da Citadel? I fort it wud be bigga."

"It's plenty big fer me. I 'member fightin' on it durin' da First Kontakt Waaagh!"

"Gud times, ay boss?"

"Gud times."

Ash stuck his head into the kokpit, peering out the window at a large Asari ship off the port bow.

"Cor, dat's a shiny kroozer alrite. Can we's burn it?"

"Burnin' duzzent work in space, squigbrain."

"Okays den. Can we's smash it?"

"Maybe later."

Jokka tapped the talky-majik, eventually getting it to turn on in another blast of angry static.

"'Tenshun space kentrol. Dis be da Orky kroozer Normandy wantin' ta land, so you's best get us a landin' spot proppa quick."

"Oy, is dat you Jokka?"

"Yeh, now find me a landin' spot."

"Okay ... um ... dat one."

"Which one is dat one."

"Um ... 's got a numba."

"A numba? Ay zog. Get Addumz up 'ere, 'e can do numbas."

The Normandy, named after the famous Waagh!, eventually figured out which berth to use and came in to dock. After leaving the kroozer in the capable hands of Prezzly, Andazon led Sheppurt, Kadun and Ash to the Ambassadur's office.

"Oy! You lots were da wuns 'oo wanted to be friends, an' now you's sittin' dere wiv yer fingas up yer piss'oles while da Geff attak our kolonys! Us Orks got a word for dat - is Squigshit."

"Calm down Ambassadur. Ork-kind was well aware of the risks when you decided to found colonies in the Traverse."

"Furst of all, where the zog else wus we suppost ta put our kolonies? You greedy Council types wuddent let us have any of da gud plannits! Sekund, we was led to baleev da wurst fing in da Traverse wus pirates an' squints! Da Geff is SUMFINK TOT'LLY DIFF'RUNT!"

"Please, calm down Ambassadur. The Council is currently engaged in talks ..."

"Torks? TORKS? A Waaagh! of killy deffbots is barin' down on us, but is okays, da Council is torking about it. You's torking about it now, you's be torking about it wen da Geff is shootin' up da Citadel and you's still be torking about it five-teen minnits past da zoggin' apokkalipse! Torking ain't gonna kut it wiv me, why duzzent ya do sumfink about it!"

"We shall continue this discussion at the hearing."

The Council hung up a little too quickly to be polite.

"Zoggin' gits and squigbrains, da lot of 'em. An' why da zog you bring 'arf yer boys, Kaptin?"

"Watch yer mouf, Ambassadur. I just brung sum of da boys from da away mob in case you's 'ad any queschuns."

"Dis all in da reportz, as long as dey ain't total squigshit. I tell you dis much, da Council are zoggin' useless. Warboss Hakkit 'as been on da talky-majik wivout stoppin' since da 'ole mess started. Da spikies want to kno wot 'appened to dere Spectur, da Council want to kno why da zog we wants to smash Sarrun more dan ushul an' da presses want to kno what da zog is goin' on, an' all dis mess bekos you can't even pik up a Profean bit wivout startin' a Waaagh!"

"Ay! Dat's da Geff's folt, not da Kaptins!"

"Shaddup Ash. Let da Kaptin do da torking."

"Woteva. Get yer green buttz ter da hearin' and bring yer evv ... evvy ... proof wiv yer."

The Ambassadur stormed out of the room, his cybork leg sparking with every other step.

"Can we smash dat git?"

"Maybe later."

###

"Well dat was a waste of time."

The assembled Orks nodded their agreement. The Council had been next to useless as usual, all Saren had really done was expound darkly on his hatred of Orks and the Kaptin had stepped into the squigshit with both feet by smashing the petitioner's podium with his power klaw.

"Da fact is we's stukk until we can get da Council to stop protektin' Sarrun. We's need proofs, more dan just wun boy's say so."

Sheppurt idly scratched his ear with his choppa.

"We ran into dat spiky on da way 'ere who sounded like 'e mite 'ave sumfink on Sarrun. 'E mite be wurf a look."

Kadun added in his thoughts.

"Dere's dat slippury round git as well in da bank. I hurd 'e's workin' fer da Shadow Brokka."

"Da wot?"

Sheppurt cuffed Ash round the head.

"'E's a guy wot knows stuff, ya git. Now shaddup. Alrite, 'ow do we find dis spiky?"

"Harkum prolly knows, you's find 'im in da nearest bar."

The Ambassadur took charge.

"Okays den. Kaptin, you come wiv me, you's done enuff damage alreddy."

"Hur hur, dat wos funny."

"Shaddup. You free, go and find dat spiky. Don't bovva wiv da Shadow Brokka, I don't trust anywun I can't smash wiv me bare 'ands."

Without waiting for an answer the Ambassadur led the Kaptin off to his office for a good old fashioned Orky yellin' at.

"I really really wanna smash dat git."

"Maybe later."

###

"Wot you gits wont?"

Already Sheppurt was feeling the urge to smash Harkum. Despite being little more than a gretchen, the surly Ork was talking to the three hardened warriors as if they were beneath him.

"Mos'ly ta smash yer face in, but we's all gotta make sakrifises in dis life. I wanta kno where to find a spiky called Garruz."

"Wot you gits lookin' for Garruz fer?"

"Dat's a sekrit. Tells you wot, I's buy you a squig beer if you tells me where to find Garruz."

"Wot kind of squig beer?"

"Da extra 'splodey kind."

"Okays."

One squig beer later, Harkum was feeling much chattier.

"Da spiky haz been up to da dok shopp in da markets a lot. I's finking you look dere. You's parta Kaptin Andazon's mob, ain't yer?"

"Yeh. Wot about it?"

"Da Kaptin ever tell yer 'is big sekrit?"

"Da Kaptin 'as a sekrit?"

"Yeh. See, a wile ago da Kaptin wos being tested to be a Spectur, and Sarrun wos in charge of 'is test. Da Kaptin zogged da 'ole fing up and blamed Sarrun for it, but Sarrun blamed da Kaptin. Da Council baleeved Sarrun and dey didn't let da Kaptin be a Spectur."

"Why da zog you tells me dat?"

"Sekrits is like dakka. If yer got it, yer shud spray it everwhere."

"Fanks for da help, now zog off 'afore I smash ya."

Leaving the miserable grot to his squig beer, Sheppurt led his mob out of the bar and straight into a hail of gunfire.

"Wot da zog ... Get in covva!"

"Boss, 'oos shootin' at us?"

Sheppurt peeked up above his cover.

"Looks like too spikies. Kadun, do a weird fing."

"Gottit boss."

Waving his weirdstikk, Kadun sent a pulse of biotic energy through the eezo impregnated staff. The power was launched in a crackling blue ball that hit with the force of a squiggoth mounted rokkit launcha, blowing the two Turians off their feet. Ash rushed forward, setting them alight with his burna and then finishing them off with two swings of his chain-choppa.

"Gud werk. Les go find dis spiky."

###

"Wot da zog ..."

The dok shopp was a total mess. Equipment was strewn across the floor, suspicious looking fluids were spattered everywhere and a pair of baby squigs were chasing each other around the room. In the middle of the whole mess was a Turian in C-sec issue armour looking rather shellshocked and an Ork dok humming merrily as he compared two severed legs.

"Oi Spiky. Is you Garruz?"

"Um ... Yes?"

"Gud. Wot da zog 'appened 'ere?"

The dok was the one who answered.

"Buncha spikies came in 'ere wiv shootas, wantin' ta kno wot I did wiv da bukkit. Do yer fink if I put wun leg bakward on dis git 'e'll turn in a cirkle when 'e tries to walk?"

"Worf a try, I rekken. Wot's dis about a bukkit?"

"Rite. Sum bukkit came in wiv sum dakka in 'er arm. She paid gud fer me ta fix 'er up, at me keep all yer limms rate too. Sed she 'ad infermayshun on some spiky Spectur who went nuts, and sumfink to do wiv da Geff too, I dunno I wosn't lissnen. Anyways, she went ta sum squint called Fist ta sell da infermayshun ta da Shadow Brokka."

Garrus interrupted.

"That's a problem then. Fist betrayed the Shadow Broker, he works for Saren now."

"Ah zog. Dat bukkit's walkin' inta a trap den, and bringin' our proof wiv 'er."

"Well den, we shud go smash dat squint right kwik."

Garrus shook his head.

"Even for you three, that's going to be hard. Fist has a small army of mercs protecting him. There's a Krogan bounty hunter after Fist as well though, he could be useful."

"Gud. Krog-boys are dead killy. You's comin' too Garruz, you spikeys bring gud dakka."

"Uh, okay ..."

"Gud lad. Les go get dat Krog-boy. Ay Dok, let me kno 'ow da bakward leg fing works out."

"Will do."

###

"Do you want me to arrest you?"

"I want you to try."

"You shud giv it a go, I cud use a gud larf."

Finding himself between an enormous Krogan and an equally enormous Ork, the C-sec officer wisely withdrew, leaving the two titans to stare each other down.

"'Ello Krog-boy."

"Ork."

"Wurd is you's got teef on Fist's 'ead."

"What's it to you?"

"I's got some queschuns to ask dat squint, and dere's a lot of boys between us and 'im. So I tells you wot. If you's help us get to dat squint, you's welcome to 'is 'ead wunce I's got all da answas I need outta it."

"You're asking for my help?"

"I'll even let ya borro me choppa ta take 'is 'ead off."

"My people have a saying. Seek the enemy of your enemy and you will find a friend."

"Hur hur. My people gots a sayin' too. Not dat I can rekall exactly wot, but we's deffinately got wun."

"Hah! Now I remember why I like Orks."

###

"Wot a wimp."

Ash's blunt analysis of the cowering Batarian was surprisingly accurate. Despite his expensive armour and rifle, he hadn't even attempted to fight, instead merely hiding behind his desk while a pair of auto turrets did the dirty work. Except a well placed stikkbomm and a hail of dakka took them out within ten seconds, leaving the Batarian surrendering loudly and repeatedly.

"'E prolly turns down evry owwa on da owwa in case sumwun invades while 'e isn't lookin'."

"Rite den squint. I'd got some queschuns for ya, and you's betta be a help oddawise I's gonna give da say so to sumfink unplezzent. I's lookin' fer a bukkit. Da bukkit who came 'ere lookin' fer da Shadow Brokka, ta be presise."

"You mean the Quarian? I don't know where she is."

"Suks ta be you. 'And me da choppa."

"Waitwaitwait! I don't know where she is but I know where you can find her!"

"Kum on, I's an Ork and I kno dat sentens was squigshit."

"Shaddup Ash. Kontinue."

"The Quarian came in looking to trade intel for sanctuary. I sent her to a meet with the Shadow Broker."

"Impossible. The Shadow Broker never meets anyone in person. Even I was hired through an agent."

"I know that, but the Quarian didn't. When she shows up she'll meet with Saren's men instead of the Broker's."

"Where."

"In the alley behind the Markets."

"Fanks for dat. Krog-boy, you wanna use me choppa?"

In response Wrex raised his shotgun and blasted a hole in the Batarian's chest.

"That'll do, I think."

"Alrite, les go save da bukkit."

###

"Who are you?"

The five of them faced down the barrel of a tiny holdout pistol. Sheppurt fought the urge to laugh, although he did admire the Quarian's gumption in pointing a shoota at an Ork easily twice her height.

"I's Kommando Sheppurt. I's been told you's got proof dat Sarrun wos involved in da attak on Edun Da Furst Wun."

"Then I have a way to repay you for saving my life. But not here, we should go somewhere safe."

"The Orkish Embassy should be secure enough."

"Gud finking spiky, altho it duz kontain da Ambassadur Zoggin' Squigbrain."

"I still want ta smash dat git."

The journey up to the Ambassadur's office was largely silent, apart from Ash grumbling about how much he wanted to smash the Ambassadur. The urge only deepened when the mob entered the office.

"WOT DA ZOG IS YOU DOIN' SHEPPURT!"

"Nise to see you too Ambassadur."

"Shootin' up da wards, startin' a zoggin' Waaagh! in dat titty bar ... 'Oo's dis den?"

"Dis bukkit's got da proof we's need."

"My name is Tali. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya."

"Yeh, dat."

"Okays. You betta start at da beginnin', bukkit."

Sighing inwardly, Tali started to recite her story.

"I was on my Pilgrimage when I heard reports of Geth activity. I figured it was worth a look. Any intelligence on the Geth would be of immense use to the Migrant Fleet."

"Da wot?"

"Is a bunch of kroozers fulla bukkits, now shaddup."

"Anyway, I tracked a patrol of them and found one which was separated from the group. I disabled it and managed to get a couple of audio files from its data core before it self destructed."

She raised her Omnitool.

"Eden the First One was a major victory. The information on the beacon was incomplete but it represents a step closer to finding the Conduit."

"I think our next move should be to recover my daughter. Her expertise will help us find more clues to the way to return the Reapers."

There was silence for about a second, then five Orks started cheering at once.

"Hah! We's got 'im by da nuts now! Zogger's skrood!"

"'Old on a sek. Wot wos dat bit at da end?"

"Wot, da Reepers?"

"And da Kondooit."

"'Oo gives a zog. Da point is, we got 'im!"

Sheppurt clapped his hands.

"Okies den. I's take da bukkit and da spiky ta da Council ta giv dem da proof, an' da Krog-boy can go kerlect 'is teef. Kadun and Ash, take yer bitz bak ta da Normandy and I's see you dere."

###

"... return the Reapers."

"Dere you go, Council. Dat enuff proof for yer, or would you's like a signed confeshun?"

"The evidence is incontrovertible. Saren will be stripped of his position and a warrant will be issued for his arrest. All his assets and special access will be terminated."

"Dat ain't enuff and you kno it. 'E's prolly been plannin' 'is defecshun fer a wile. 'E'll 'ave plenty of dakka and teef 'idden away sumwhere, not ta mention an army of Geff. You's need ta send yer fleet in ta sekure da entire area."

"A fleet cannot track down one man. Besides, we don't want to provoke a war with the Terminus Systems."

"Why da zog you worried about da Termy Systums? Dey ain't got a tenf of da dakka you's got."

"There is a way to track Saren down that does not require fleets or armies."

"No! The Orks aren't ready for the responsibility!"

"Ahum, excuse me fer interruptin' but we's standin' rite here. You's get Sarrun's 'ead on a stikk, da Ambassadur gets 'is Orky Spectur, nobody gotta kill a grot. Is simpul."

The Councillors exchanged glances.

"Very well. Kommando Sheppurt, step forwards."

They took it in turns to read off the Spectre induction speech, and sensing the gravity of the moment Sheppurt managed to avoid yawning although the hastily repaired petitioner's podium did draw a slight snigger.

"Fanks Councillors. I's not gonna disappoint."

**GLOSSARY****  
**  
**Krog-boy**: Krogan.

**Bukkit**: Quarian.

**Kroozer**: Any fully artificial space construct, ranging from space worthy one Ork fighters to the Citadel itself.

**Rok**: Any space construct that incorporates asteroids into its hull. Ranges from small landing pods to the hundred kilometre across Arktoorus Big Boss Rok.

**Squig**: Small predatory animal used by Orks for everything from companionship to food to balls in several Orkish sports such as footsquig, krikket and toss da squig.

**Squig Beer**: 1. A common Orkish alcoholic beverage known to occasionally explode. (Grakka blew 'is 'ead off last nite wiv a dodgy squig beer, wot a larf.) 2. A soluble gel used as fuel for Ork burnas. (Oy, you got any spare squig beer kans? I wanna burn dat grot.) The two are actually the same substance, but the beverage is slightly more diluted than the flamethrower fuel.

**Turn down**: Orkish slang for surrendering. Origin of the Orkish warcry 'Turn down fer wot!' which is equivalent in sentiment to the Turian 'Victory or death!'

**Nobody gotta kill a grot**: Orkish phrase equivalent to 'everybody's happy'. Used to describe a win-win situation.


	3. Chapta Free - On da Kroozer

"'Ello bukkit."

"Tali."

"Woteva. Wot you's fink of our Orky enjin bits?"

"Mostly I'm wondering why they haven't blown up yet."

"Ah, but dat's da majik of Orky enjineerin'. It shudden't work, everywun knows dat. But it dus. Not even Addumz knows why."

"How does that even work?"

"I's heard some feeories. But I duz kno dis - if an Ork gets too siensy, 'e starts ta fink 'dat enjin shudden't werk'. But it duz. If lotsa boys start finkin' da enjin shudden't werk, da enjin will smash isself and we's all gonna get dead, so you's betta get ta finkin' dat da enjin will werk."

"Are you trying to tell me your ships are held together by wishful thinking?"

By the end of her statement Tali's voice had risen to a terrified shriek.

"'S like beez. Dey're dese littul buzzy fings dat liv on Urf. See, all yer Citadelly siense types kum to see da beez and dey sez 'dat bee shudden't be able ta fly, da flappy bitz is too small and da bee is too 'eavy'. But da bee duzzent give a zog wot da siense types sez, 'e flies around anyway."

The Big Mek in charge of engineering came over.

"Dat's da numba wun rool of bein' an Orky mek, an' it appliez ta doks too. Fink pozzitiv, it werks. Fink neggativ, it smashes isself and you wiv it."

"... I'm not sure how okay I am with that."

"'S okay, bukkit. Yer lot make dead 'andy meks, an' you's kwite 'ard ta boot. Altho you's need a bigga shoota."

"This pistol's served me well so far."

"Dat littul grot poppa may be gud fer skarin' squishies but we's be fightin' Geff now. You need a proppa shoota. Folla me."

Sheppurt led the protesting Quarian out of the enjin room and to the largest chamber right in the heart of the ship - the dakka shopp. It was here that all the various destructive implements used by Orks to kill, maim and smash were kept.

"Oy Ash, we's need a proppa Orky shoota for da bukkit."

"Is you shore, Boss? Dem shootas is made fer Orks, not bukkits."

"Da bukkit's wun of da boys now. She's needin' a shoota an' a choppa. Now get to it."

"Okays, Boss. Lemme fink. Um, kum here bukkit. See if you kan lift up dis choppa."

Tali approached the colossal axe with some nervousness. Using both arms, she just managed to lift it a centimetre off the ground.

"Dat ain't gud. I'm finking we shud giv 'er a grot stabba."

Ash handed Tali one of the smallest bladed weapons in the armoury. The blade of the Ork knife was twenty one inches long and on her petite frame it resembled a cutlass.

"Dere. Perfikt. Rite den, now for da shoota."

There was a slight pause.

"Um, kan you even shoot a shoota wivout gettin' nokked off yer feet?"

"I've fired guns before, if that's what you're asking."

"Yeah yeah, you's shot gunz. Da queschun is can you shoot a shoota? Dey're compleetly diffrunt fings. Ya see, da Council gits use dere gunz, dey be littul boxes fulla bitz and weirdgubbinz dat shoot littul tiny bitz o' dakka. Den you 'as a shoota. Dis is a chube wot shoots out great durty chunks o' dakka by blowing up littul bitz of bommgubbinz. Get it?"

"So you're saying a shoota is a chemical-ballistic weapon?"

"Dat's it exactly. Da Orks may not 'ave evva made weirdgubbinz shootas, but we's 'ad squigloads o' time ta perfekt bommgubbinz shootas. An' ta tell ya da troof, weirdgubbinz gunz are bigged up sum. Da Kommando's kustom shoota kan chop a spiky in too hitz, sparky bitz an' all."

"Anyways, da point is you gotta pik a shoota if you want ta fight. I'll leave you ta it, 'ave fun."

###

"Oy Spiky, you's betta not be zoggin' wiv me buggy."

Garrus looked up, alarmed, as Sheppurt came barreling towards him.

"I was just looking ..."

"'S okay. Jus' as long as you's not breakin' da bitz."

"I was wondering, actually, what can you tell me about this vehicle?"

"Ah, da Forr Weely 'Eadcrusha Mekbuggy. Is kwik, Orky and killy too. Not too tuff, but da finkin' is if ya goes kwik enuff all da dakka misses anyways."

"It's a very interesting design."

"Ay. So's you like mekgubbinz den? You's gonna love dis buggy. See dis turrit? Dis got all da Orky dakka you kud evva need. An 'eavy Zappa, dubbel dakka deffgun an' wot looks like a rokkit launcha, altho it mite be a bomm chucka. Den dere's da shootas on da sides, which be shot by da passangas in da frunt seats. Dey be dakka deffguns, more dakka dan you kan wave a choppa at. Den dere's da best part. See dis littul turrit on da front? Dat's got a dubbel beemy deffgun in it. Dis buggy 'as more dakka dan sum spiky kroozers."

Garrus looked appreciatively at the five seater buggy bristling with guns. Playing match-up between reality and the Ork's monologue, Garrus guessed the things that looked like ludicrously large calibre miniguns were dakka deffguns, which meant the one with the enormous fat barrel that looked like it was partially made of glass was the Zappa, and the smaller tube below it was the rokkit launcha (that might be a bomm chucka). Before he could get a good look at the beemy deffguns Sheppurt was off again.

"Den we 'as dis bad bit. Dis be a deffrolla. Lotsa Geff gettin' crushed under dis buggy before we's dun. Dese be weel-choppas. You's can tell bekos dey're choppas dat kum out da weels. Den we 'as da bakward pointy chain launcha. You gets 'it wiv dis, you's get dragged along da ground behind da buggy, which is a bad fing no matta 'oo yer are. Da enjins run on squig beer too, so dey dubble as bakwards burnas, da jumpy rokkits as well. An' if all else be failin' you kan always point yer shootas out da sides and bring more dakka dat way."

"So how does it get deployed?"

"Eh? Oh, we's all strap inta da seats den da driva fires up da enjins and we's drive rite out da kargo bay."

"So this ship can land?"

"No."

Garrus scratched his mandible.

"I don't understand."

"We's drive out da kargo bay and den fall all da way ta da plannit. Dat's why you need ta 'member yer breeving bits."

"Wait, what?"

"Welcum ta da Waaagh!, spiky."

###

"'Ello Ambassadur."

"We's figgered a fing out bak 'ere Sheppurt."

Sheppurt leaned back in his desk chair, the earpiece for the kroozer's talky-majik nestled in one ear.

"Did da Council finally figger out 'ow ta find dere buttz wiv both 'ands an' a labulled diagram?"

"Still waitin' fer dat day. We did figger out 'oo da uvver person woz in da rekordin'. Da finkin' is dat it be wun of dem bounsy bosses, Benezzies I fink 'er name is."

"So wot you want me ta do about it?"

"Sarrun's lookin' fer da bounsy bosses kid. Dey sez she be sum sort a mek wiv Profean bitz, mite be useful. You shud go get 'er rite kwik."

"I's on my way. Where be she?"

"I gave da yoon ... yoonie ... skool a korl. Dey sez she be on a plannit korled Ferrum."

"Okies, fanks for da tip. I's settin' off now."

"Gud luk, Sheppurt."

"Fanks."

He disconnected the call, already making his way up to the cockpit.

"Oy Jokka!"

"Wot?"

"We's gotta desternayshun. Head fer dis plannit."

"Dat burny wun?"

"Yeh, dat wun."

"Gottit boss."

There was a slight pause.

"You got sumfink ta say, Jokka?"

"It just duzzent seem rite, da kaptin losin' 'is kroozer like dis."

"I kno. But is da best choice."

"Rilly?"

"Dat Ambassadur may be a squig-likkin' zogbrain but in dis case 'e's rite. Dis is an important mishun, we need da best kroozer dere is."

"Dat's a point. Does ya want ta giv a big tork ta da kroo?"

"Why da zog not, ay?"

He picked up the talky-majik's headset and with some stretching managed to fit it over his head.

"'Ello gits. Dis be Kommando Sheppurt, now lissen up or I's smash yer zoggin' 'eads in. Gottit? Gud."

He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

"We's got our furst mishun, an' it be a tuff wun. We's chasin' Sarrun an' 'is army of Geff inta da Travurse. I's be onnist at dis point. Sarrun's dead killy, and so are da Geff. Dis will be a challenje. But gess wot! We's 'arda! We's tuffa! We's killier! And if you's wantin' ta kno why lemme tells ya. It's bekos we's Orky! WAAAGH!"

The entire kroozer rocked with the force of the returning shout.

"WAAAGH!"

**GLOSSARY**

**Ay**: Common Ork exclamation. It's meaning is derived purely from context and intonation.

**Bommgubbinz**: A powerful and unstable chemical explosive gel used in Ork shootas, rokkits and stikkboms. A key ingredient in squig beer.

**Weirdgubbinz**: Ork term for element zero.

**Choppa**: Any bladed weapon. Includes knives, swords, axes, chain weapons and power weapons.  
**  
****Shoota**: Man portable projectile weapon. Most commonly used to refer to Orkish machine guns that fire chemically propelled bullets.

**Burna**: Orkish flamethrower fuelled by squig beer.

**Talky-majik**: Comm system.

**Zappa**: Ork energy weapons akin to ion beams. Notable for their ability to penetrate kinetic barriers with no resistance.

**Dakka**: 1. Ammunition. (Boss! I's runnin' outta dakka!) 2. Firepower. ('Ooeva 'as da most dakka wins da fight.) 3. A comparative term between two opposing forces. (Da Krog-boys woulda been more dakka dan da spikies if dey didunt use da dikk-sikk.) 4. Repeated twice, a command to open fire. (Dakka dakka, lads! Dem spikies need sum killin'!)

**Dikk-sikk**: Genophage.


	4. Chapta Forr - Dat Burny Plannit

"Dat wos fun, hur hur hur."

Tali forced her hands to relinquish their death grip on the metal bar that was the only thing between her seat and the ground rushing past mere inches below her. The buggy was low on the ground, Tali's seat back resting against the rear right wheel arch. On her left was the rokkit enjin burbling contentedly, on her right was a single roll bar at about shoulder height. On the other side of the engine, Kadun was strapped in, a distinctly Orky set of sealed armour covering his entire body as his weirdstikk rested in his lap. In front of Tali in the centre of the buggy was the raised turret seat, sitting atop the engine and occupied by Garrus, while the driver's seat directly in front of her was occupied by Sheppurt with Wrex in the other front seat. Putting the terrifying descent out of her mind, Tali transferred her grip to the firing handles of the dakka deffgun mounted on the roll bar, swivelling it a couple of times before starting her overwatch on the right side of the buggy.

"Dis is goin' ta be a gud larf. I's do ma best ta dodge da melty rok but no prommises."

"Heh heh. I can already tell this is going to be fun."

"Easy for you to say Wrex. You're practically an Ork anyway."

"Boss, Geff!"

Sheppurt let out a truly evil chuckle.

"I sees dem. Dakka dakka!"

Garrus jammed down the firing handles of the turret he was operating. Orks had little concern for ammunition conservation, as evidenced by the three wildly different weapon systems all slaved to a single trigger. The only gesture towards fire discipline was a manual bolt that needed to be racked to load the next rocket into the launcher, although more likely that was born of a desire to make the satisfying cha-chunk sound of a bolt action weapon than any real military decorum.

The missile corkscrewed through the air, trailing slightly behind the sun-bright line scored across his retinas by the pulsed ion beam of the zappa. Those energy weapons had been a nasty shock (literally) for the Turians during the Ork War. The missile managed to outpace the torrent of solid shells following it, the individual reports of the six barrelled dakka deffguns blending together into a low buzz that ground on his Turian hearing.

The Geth Armature was skewered by the zappa, the energy beam bypassing the kinetic barriers entirely and drilling a fist sized hole through the walker and out the other side. The missile hit a second later, its explosive warhead completely shattering the faltering barrier, and then the heavy calibre rounds of the deffguns chewed away the forward face of the stricken walker chunk by fist sized chunk. After around five seconds the Zappa fired again, this time hitting something critical and detonating the entire thing in an eezo fuelled explosion.

"Dat woz sum gud dakka."

"Dat it woz, Boss. Will dere be more Geff, ya fink?"

"Dere's always more Geff. Dat's why I's steppin' on it."

"Steppin' on wot?"

"Da go fasta peddul."

###

Liara winced as another jolt of pain shot through her shoulders. Whatever Prothean security device she had managed to trip, it had wrenched her arms back into the least comfortable position possible.

She blinked twice as her ears picked up a bizarre conversation, slowly increasing in volume. She groaned inwardly. Not only was her dehydrated brain making her hallucinate, but the hallucinations made no sense whatsoever.

"I's jus' sayin, yer big swears is gud an' all but fer cuss satisfakshun you kan't beat a gud ole fashuned zog. Is short, is sweet and feels gud ta say, speshully wen yer kross."

"But nobody even knows what it means. With bosh'tet, it's very clear exactly what you think of whoever you're insulting. Zog could mean anything."

"Yeh, but dat's da byooty of da word. You duzzent kno wot it means so wen sumwun korls ya a zogga, you 'as ta immagun wot it means."

"And so?"

"An' so you always immagun da wurst fing it kud be. Dat's why zog is so gud, bekos da uvva git kan always immagun a worse insult for 'im personally dan anyfink you kud fink of yerself."

"That ... is actually really clever."

"Ya see, Council gits always unda-estumate da Orks. Dey fink we's dum just kos we duzzent see da point in gramma or basik maff skillz. Oh, 'ello dere bounsy."

Liara finally got a good look at her hallucinations. Why her brain had decided that two Orks, a Krogan, a Turian and a Quarian, all coated in a patina of dirt, soot and Geth coolant would be comforting as she slowly died of thirst, she couldn't fathom.

"Of all the things I could hallucinate ..."

"Ha! Da bounsy finks we ain't reel! Wot a larf. Bukkit, you got yer zappa?"

The Quarian held up an Orkish weapon with a strange glassy barrel, looking comically large against her small frame.

"Right here."

"Gud. Now tells me, bounsy. 'Ow da zog you end up in dat floaty bubbel?"

"Oh, so I want myself to reflect on how I got into this situation? Well okay then. The Geth came and I activated the security measures from that console. Apparently I activated something I wasn't supposed to as well."

"Apparuntlee. Dat's why you's be hangin' up like Squigmas flappa. Bukkit, zapp dat konsole pleez."

A partially directed bolt of lightning leaped from the muzzle of the Zappa, passing through the barrier curtain with little difficulty and obliterating the console. Instantly the barrier curtains dropped and with it the suspended Liara.

"Gud fing dat worked, it woz me only idear. Rite den bounsy, is you Liaruh TaSoney?"

"Yes, that's me. You're real ..."

"Yep. So wot does you kno about Sarrun?"

"Who?"

"'E's a spiky Spectur."

"I don't know much about Spectres. Why do you ask?"

"Hum. Wen's da last time you torked ta ya muvva?"

"Mother? Must have been, oh, ten years or so. Why do you ask?"

"Ay zog, yew serius? Wen's da last time you chekked da noos?"

"I'm not sure, what's the date?"

"Zoggin 'eck. Alrite, miss Profean expurt, you's in for a shokk. But furst, bak ta da kroozer."

After some rummaging around, and with the semi-lucid Liara's help, Sheppurt found an elevator console. The platform ascended to the upper level, where it was met by a Krogan and a small detachment of Geth.

"Ah zog. I's nearly outta dakka. Wot you want, Krog-boy?"

"The Asari. Hand her over. Or don't, that would be more fun."

"Dat's about as likelee as da Konsort desidin' ta nevva suk anuvva dikk all of a sudden. Zog off."

"Hah, this will be a good fight. But it is missing something."

The Krogan dropped a demolition charge off the edge of the platform.

"Now this is a truly epic fight."

"Did that whelp just deliberately trigger an eruption of the volcano we're currently standing in?"

"I fink so. Sarrun must gro dem proppa dum. Leave da Krog-boy ta me, dakka dakka on da Geff."

As his team opened fire, Sheppurt charged the Battlemaster, unslinging his choppa from his back. This particular choppa took the form of a colossal axe with a roaring chainblade in the head, yellow and black checks around the blade to remind any particularly dim grots that extremities near the blade was a bad idea. Not that the Krogan would have the option to avoid it.

The first swipe glanced off the Krogan's barrier, but the somewhat traumatic experience of an Orky choppa matching co-ordinates with his head sent the Krogan stumbling backwards, leaving him wide open for a punch that shattered his strained barrier and knocked him off his feet. The Battlemaster had lost the initiative and never regained it as the roaring choppa reduced him to a shredded mess of ragged flesh that still managed to scream.

"Dat wos fun."

Leaving the Krogan on the floor, Sheppurt turned back to the fight. The Zappa Tali was carrying had proven brutally effective against the Geth, electrical discharge scrambling their systems while the ion beam itself blasted smoking holes through them. Kadun's biotic bag of tricks had proven equally destructive, his flare balls obliterating Geth and blasting deep dents into the platform they stood on. Wrex and Garrus were also pulling their weight, crushing and shooting respectively any Geth that came near Liara.

The last Geth fell and Sheppurt turned to Liara.

"Dere you go bounsy ... Bounsy? Zog, wot 'appened?"

Liara's right arm had been torn to shreds by a volley of fire, the mangled ruin of a limb hanging uselessly at her side as she looked up at him with dumb curiosity.

"My arm feels funny."

Then she passed out.

"Jokka, we's need ta leg it sharpish! Krog-boy, grab da bounsy. Kadun, drag dat hakked up krog wiv us. Les go!"

###

"'Ello Councillors. Job be dun on dat burny plannit."

"Perhaps a more in depth report would be helpful."

"Okays. But konsidderin' 'ow Orks is wiv writin', I's just sent ya da footidge from me cybork eye. Dat shud do da trikk. As fer da basiks, dere's sum fings yer shud kno. Furst off, Sarrun be up ta no gud wotsoevva."

The Turian councillor shifted his weight to his back foot.

"Oh really? What makes you say that?"

"Fer wun, 'e's clonin' hisself an army a Krog-boys. 'Ave a close look at dat battulmasta we's fightin'. 'Is 'ead bone fing is fully in wun pise, wot means dat fisically 'e's ova fifty years old. But look at 'is face. Not a singul skar."

"So?"

"So no Krog-boy makes it ta fifty pluz years wivout a singul skar. Unless 'e's a lot yunga dan 'e looks."

"So you haven't proven that Saren is breeding cloned Krogan."

"Mebbe not, but we's proved 'e mite be, and dat's a possibilitee you's kan't ignore. Da dok is 'avin a look at da dead wun, we's investergatin' gud."

"Do you have any more evidence as to Saren's motive?"

"We's still waitin' on wot dis Profean expurt 'as ta say. 'Owevva, wot we do kno is dis. Sarrun an' 'is pet Geff are lookin' fer sumfink korled da Konduit, and 'e finks dat Profean bitz 'ave da infermayshun 'e needs ta find it. We also kno dat it 'as sumfink ta do wiv da Reepers, wot da Geff baleev to 'ave chopped da Profeans, wot korrelates wiv da vishun I got from dat beekun on Edun da Furst Wun."

"And why do you wait until now to mention this vision and these Reapers?"

"Mos'ly bekos I kno 'ow yer's gunna react. If da Reepas are real, and frem where I's standin' dat is da more likelee case, you's gunna stikk yer fingas in yer ears, or woteva you 'as instead, an' sing lur lur lur loud as ya kan."

"How dare you make these accusations of us?"

"O rilly? Les 'ave a look at yer trakk rekkerd shall we? Da Krog-boys are slowly goin' extinkt, da squints is still slavin' away in yer territuries bold as ya like, da relayshuns between da rollas an' da ploddas is breakin' down, da galaksee's 'eaded strait fer a big ole reseshun an' did I menshun da army of Geff runnin' amuck in yer preshus Council space, and wot da zog is you doin' about any of dis? Oh dat's rite, nuffink wotsoevva. Nise tork, catch ya lata, byes."

As Sheppurt cut the line, Jokka's heavy chuckles came over the talky-majik.

"Ay Boss, you shore like sassin' da Council. Dey's proppa mad rite now I bet."

"Dey make it so easy. Now get bak ta flyin' da ship."

"Gottit boss."

Sheppurt left the comm room, heading towards the dok shopp. Time to see how their newest recruit was doing.

###

Liara's eyes slowly fluttered open and she clutched at her arm, groaning. She could feel cold metal there, most likely some sort of cast or regenerator. Her memory was patchy but one thing she distinctly recalled was the offending limb getting shredded before her disbelieving eyes.

"Dok, da bounsy's waken' up."

Liara's field of vision was immediately filled with two large green faces.

"Where ... where am I?"

"You's on da Orky kroozer Normandy. 'Ow's ya feelin'?"

"What happened to my arm?"

The smaller and less scarred face responded.

"Oh, dat. You got a ton o' dakka dere, da 'ole fing wos smashed ta bitz. Don' worry doh, I replased it wiv a proppa Orky wun."

"You what?"

"'Ave a look."

She turned her eyes to her left arm, holding it up so she could see. Her joints made a bizarre sound that seemed like a blend of clank, whirr and hiss every time she moved them. Her arm was an oversized mash of metal plates and crude servo joints, daubed in Orkish glyphs and the classic Orky colours of black, red and yellow.

"Well? Wot duz yer fink? Da big mek wos dead chuffed wiv 'ow it turned out, 'e's nevva made a cybork arm fer a bounsy before."

Liara stared at the hideous contraption replacing her arm. Her first instinct was to scream. Asari society, so hung up on external beauty as it was, had an instinctual bias against anyone with a deformity and cybernetic body parts, no matter how realistic looking, fell into that bracket. Not to mention the fact the arm was slightly too big for her, making her look somewhat lopsided. But then just before she started freaking out, another thought occurred to her. From what little she knew of Orkish culture, they were highly insular and distrustful of any aliens. Some even claimed the only reason they hadn't burned Palaven to ash was because they found the concept of diplomacy to be a novel amusement and when they grew tired of the Council's constant flip-flopping in a century or so they would resume their genocidal war against the rest of the galaxy. So why then did an Ork not only save her, but bother to replace her arm with something that while ugly as sin was infinitely preferable to a stump?

"Why am I here?"

"About dat ... I's got sum bad noos fer ya."

###

"I fink you's gone broke da bounsy, boss."

"Wiv 'indsight I kud 'ave been more tactful."

"Yer exact words were 'yer muvver's gone nutz and is on da mob of a evul Spectur along wiv an army of Geff and we's bin sent by da Council ta chop 'er'. Dat's not very tactful."

"An' now I knows dat."

They were interrupted by Liara, who had shaken loose of her disbelieving stupor.

"I don't know how my mother could have fallen so far, but I want to find out. I'll help you."

"Gud. Furst fings furst, 'ave you evva 'eard of a Profean bit korled da Kondooit?"

"What kind of conduit? Water, power ..."

"Da Kondooit. As in emfasis on da Da. Like dere's only wun."

"Then no, I can't say I have."

"Dam. Ay, wot did Sarrun want wiv ya, den?"

"I don't know. If he is hunting for a Prothean artefact though, he would most likely need a team of people with similar skills to me."

"Dat's troo."

"Ay Boss."

Sheppurt growled in annoyance before responding to the talky-majik.

"Wot is it Jokka?"

"We's gettin' a messij from Boss Kerhooku. 'E's lost sum of 'is boys and we's nearby so 'e wants us ta hav a look."

**GLOSSARY**

**Plodda**: Elcor.

**Rolla**: Volus.

**Jelly-zogga**: Hanar.

**Fing I wants ta smash a lot**: Hanar.

**Zoggin' floata-git**: Hanar.

**Fing dat shud be burnt**: Hanar.

**Dam zoggin' squigbrain piss'ole zogga jelly-git**: Hanar.


	5. Chapta Five - Big Wurm-lookin' fing

"Dis is gud fun, ay bukkit?"

It was Tali's turn to be in the front seat beside Sheppurt, her hands clenched around the firing handles of the beemy deffguns.

"Yes, great fun. Can we maybe slow down a little bit?"

"Wos dat sarkasm?"

"No."

"Dat wos sarkasm. I's go fasta if ya wont, no need ta be snippy about it."

Before Tali had the chance to explain that she was not being sarcastic but instead fearing for her life, Sheppurt put another thirty kilometres an hour onto their already obscene speed. Tali resolved to keep her mouth shut from now on.

"Ow about you lot back dere?"

Wrex, Kadun and Ash all confirmed they were having criminal amounts of fun.

"Gud. I fink we's almost gettin' ta da plase da boss wanted us ta chekk."

"Ay Boss, look. Dat trukk's bin smashed gud."

"So it 'as. Ready wiv da dakka lads, I's gettin' a funny feelin', an' dis time I's pretty shore it ain't jus' da knot dat dok tied in me gutz dat wun time."

"Wait ... a doctor tied a knot in your intestines?"

"'E fort it wuz a gud Aprul Squigbrain joke. Den I drowned 'im in 'is own pot a limm gloo. Now dat wos funny."

The buggy drove onto the flat sandy area, approaching the destroyed trukk. Up close it was clear the entire crew had been slaughtered.

"Cor. Wot kind of dakka makes woonds like dat? Dey look sorta melty ta me."

"Maybe a flamethrower?"

Ash glanced venomously at the back of Tali's helmet.

"Wot da Zog is a flame frowwa?"

"Is fancy speek for a burna. But noes, burnas make Orks crispy. Dese Orks be melty. You got any forts, Krog-boy?"

"Do you hear that rumbling sound?"

"I fink dat's me stummuk."

"No, the other rumbling sound."

There was a slight pause as all strained their ears.

"Oh, I hears it now. You fink ya know wot it is?"

It was at that moment that a monster erupted from the ground, throwing up a massive plume of sand.

"Worr, dat's big. Leg it!"

The buggy roared, shooting off at some ridiculous speed with five metre long flames belching from its exhausts. The enraged worm let out a shriek, a burst of acid sizzling into the ground not three metres away from the back of the buggy.

"Giv it sum dakka! Krog-boy, where shud we point da shootas?"

"Aim for the eyes!"

"I's aimin'."

Fire rippled out from the mekbuggy, the zappa, dakka deffguns and rokkit launcha all filling the space around the Maw's eyes with hot lead and electrical discharges. The beemy deffguns joined in a second later, Tali screaming incoherently as she blasted the Thresher Maw with concentrated light.

"Hahahahaha! Dat's gud dakka make no mistayk. Keep shootin' lads!"

The buggy slewed round, still spewing fire at the worm.

"Boss! Dat big wurm-lookin' fing's dead 'ard!"

"Zog. 'Old on."

Sheppurt dodged another acid blast as he shouted into the talky-majik.

"Oy Spiky!"

Garrus's irritated voice responded. He was still grouchy after being left behind for the mission, it seemed.

"Yes?"

"We's in need of air support down 'ere. You evva flown a deffkopta?"

###

"I still think this is a bad idea."

Liara hadn't stopped complaining the whole time Garrus had been strapping her into the gunner's seat of the Normandy's resident Spinny Bit Prepelld Soopa Dakka Deffkopta. Fortunately, the entire control panel had been looted from a Turian attack gunship, which Garrus had piloted once before. Less fortunately, there was a good reason he had only flown it once. However with Sheppurt dodging a Thresher Maw, the risk was worth it.

"Just relax. All you need to do is point the guns at the big worm and hold down the trigger."

"Um ... Okay."

Garrus pulled the headset on as he span up the engines.

"Vakarian reports Deffkopta ready for launch, over."

"Woteva spiky, 'ang on ta sumfink an' be ready ta drop."

"I'm sorry?"

In response to his half question, half exclamation, the deffkopta fell out the bottom of the kroozer.

###

"Dat's it Boss! Da sparky bitz be dun!"

The kinetic barriers had protected them from three acid strikes before failing, but now the open topped buggy had only a painfully inadequate roll cage between the occupants and the worm trying to melt them into organic slurry. One more hit and Kommando Sheppurt could kiss his green behind goodbye, and the behinds of everyone else in the buggy if his lips weren't melted into baby formula before he got to them all.

"What in Keelah's name is that?"

"Ay! Dat be da Deffkopta! Gud ole spiky."

"Is time for sum dakka now, ya big zoggin' wurm-lookin' fing!"

The deffkopta opened fire with everything, so much firepower spewing forth that the flying vehicle was actually propelled backwards. A fusillade of bullits, rokkits and grot bomms slammed into the Maw's head, drawing an enraged shriek as the worm retreated underground.

"We need to get out of here!"

"Bukkit's rite! Let da deffkopta finish dat wurm off!"

Up in the cockpit of the deffkopta, Garrus valiantly regained control of the vehicle. It turned out firing so many weapons at once was a bad idea.

"I'm so so sorry, you said to open fire so I did and ..."

"It's fine Liara, don't panic. We're going back in, get ready."

Flying a deffkopta was a surreal experience for Garrus. Like every Turian he had seen the vids of squadrons of the looted craft prowling unchallenged through the skies of Nimines, releasing volleys of rokkits and long burst from their dakka deffcannons at any Turians dumb enough to be out in the open. Back then the primitive guided missiles known as grot bomms were actually suicide missiles piloted by an unfortunate gretchen and so had been too large for a deffkopta to carry. The ones Liara had just fired were smaller and guided by VI tracking tech salvaged mostly from Turian gunships during the Ork War, meaning four of them could fit under the kopta's wing pylons.

"There it is!"

Garrus brought the kopta round to point directly at the emerging worm.

"Fire."

Liara jammed down the trigger of the dakka deffcannon. With a rate of fire of around two thousand rounds per minute and a caliber of 35mm, the deffcannon spewed a torrent of explosive shells at the Maw. Nature may have made the Maws into perfect killers but there was a limit to how many armour piercing cannon rounds one creature could take before it had enough.

The Thresher Maw fell, riddled with holes, chunks of flesh blasted out across the desert as the talky-majik heralded its activation with the now-familiar ear splitting explosion of white noise.

"Ay, gud shootin' spiky. Kum down 'ere and 'elp us wiv dese dead boys."

Garrus brought the deffkopta down, landing it after several tries and nearly decapitating Kadun with the landing gear. There was a good reason the Hierarchy only let him fly once.

"So what are we doing?"

"Wot's bounsy doin' 'ere?"

"I needed a gunner."

"Okays. We's playin' match da dead body bitz."

Garrus looked at the scene before him. Parts of several Orks were scattered across the landscape, the sand soaked a deep red. Garrus was glad of his helmet to filter out the smell. Unfortunately Liara wasn't wearing one and so decided to add the acrid stench and splatter of stomach contents to the already grim tableau.

"Where's bucket?"

"She's fixin' da buggy's sparky bitz. Kum an' 'elp us wiv dis."

Garrus gingerly picked his way through the field of scattered body parts to where Sheppurt was standing, a corpse that was noticeably missing one leg, two arms and a head slung over his shoulder.

"We's lookin' fer da dok tags."

Sheppurt took off his shirt, the rough material lifting to reveal a powerful musculature and an odd metal hexagon about three centimetres across crudely sutured into his flesh just below his collarbone on the left side.

"Dis be a dok tag. Da finkin' is you put wun on every body bit so da doks know wot bitz ta stikk bak to wot boyz at da end of da fight. So wot we's doin' is chekkin' all dese body bitz fer dok tags. Sinse every boy 'as diffrunt dok tags, da numba of diffrunt dok tags we find ..."

"... Is the number of dead Orks. Clever."

"Rite den. Les get ta werk."

###

As the Normandy left Edolus in its wake, Tali and Garrus were close to weeping over the damage done to the mekbuggy. Although neither would admit it both of them were somewhat attached to the four wheeled vehicle. The punishment it had been subjected to on Edolus had caused a power surge in the kinetic barrier generator that had in turn made the power conduits between the power cells and the zappa run hot. The entire turret mounting had to be taken apart to replace the half-melted wires and the barrier generator was a complete write-off.

"Spirits, how does this thing even function?"

"Wishful thinking, apparently. The Orks call it gudfink."

"Gud ... fink?"

"Yep."

Garrus ran a hand over his fringe.

"I'm starting to think we should leave this to an Ork mek. This engineering and logic have absolutely nothing in common."

"Ay Bukkit! How is you?"

Tali sighed as Kommando Sheppurt stomped up to her.

"I'm okay, Sheppurt."

"Spiky, Jokka wants ta see ya 'bout sumfink."

Garrus raised a brow plate, then packed up his tools and left the hangar, glancing back at Sheppurt just before he left.

"Kum 'ere bukkit, 'ave a seat."

Tali gingerly sat down on the edge of the buggy, beside Sheppurt. After a quick glance around, Sheppurt started to speak in a low voice.

"Ya know, Bukkit, if sumfink's bovverin' you, ya kan jus' tell me."

"What do you mean?"

"Dose dead boyz bak on dat wurm plannit. You didunt 'ave ta pretend ta be doin' sumfink else important, ya kud just 'ave sed ya didunt like da dead body bitz."

"You could tell?"

"I kan always tell wiv you. You 'ave evryfing yer finking on display if sumwun knows wot ta look fer."

"I just ... I want to be part of the team, one of the boys, as you said."

"Fink about da team. I don't tell Ash ta pik up a weirdstikk and do weird fings, I don't tell Spiky to go in wiv a choppa and I surtenly don't ask Krog-boy ta aim gud. Dat's why we work well tagevva, cuz we's all diffrunt. It's troo dat I's fine wiv chopped up dead bodys an' blud, but it wud be wrong ta 'spect you ta 'ave da same reacshun."

"I ... Thank you."

"I's an Ork. I nevva got ta 'ave innosense. Don't be so eega ta frow yers away."

###

"Ay Oodina. Wot's ya got fer me now?"

"We's made anuvva diskuvvery. Sarrun 'as lots a teef in dis kompany korled Binary 'Elix. Da Council gits wont you ta inves ... invest ... 'ave a look."

"I's on ma way Ambassadur. Wot's da sichewayshun like on da Citadel?"

"Da Council's still bein' piss'oles. Ovva dan dat nuffink ta report. An' Sheppurt, dis korporate fing is a delicut bisnuss. Try ta use discreshun."

"If dey's obstructin' da mishun I's gonna deel wiv dem. I's try ta keep da choppin ta a minimum ay, but no prommises."

"Didunt rilly espect anyfink betta."

The talky-majik cut off.

"Zogga 'ung up on me."

**GLOSSARY**

**Gudfink**: 1. Enthusiasm or confidence, usually misplaced. (Da boys 'ad tons of gudfink but not many brainz.) 2. The mysterious effect by which an Orkish device will function mostly correctly if the operator believes it will function correctly. (Any mek wud tell ya gudfink is da most important fing in dere line of work.) 3. A good idea. (Goin' round dis way was a real gudfink, Boss.) A contraction of the phrase 'gud finking'.

**Limm Gloo**: An adhesive used by Ork doks to reattach severed body parts and seal wounds. Functions as an anaesthetic, anti-necrotic, disinfectant, physical barrier to infection, painkiller and a mild anabolic steroid. (Dok, me arm fell off, it needs sum limm gloo rite kwik).

**CODEXY BITZ**

_(Da followin' bit be from da Citadel Ejukayshun Board's approovd list o' histry test queschuns. If you's wanta answa, put it in da revoo sekshun an' da best answa gets ta pik 'oo Kommando Sheppurt windz up zoggin'.)_

Question 3: Analyse the following sources and conclude whether the amount of reparations demanded by the Orks was justified. (15 marks)

SOURCE A: Introduction to The Ork Wars (from Encyclopedia of Turian History, Vol. 34)

The onset of the Ork Wars was ultimately caused by one man - Rear Admiral Praius Arterius. The possible reasons behind his fateful decision to open fire on an Ork patrol will most likely never be determined. The only witnesses to the incident are Orks, since the Turian squadron was exterminated to the last man, and in the chaos of the following war many comm transcripts and archived communications were lost.

What is more extensively documented, however, is the sudden Ork onslaught across Turian space. Macedyn and Tridend fell in days, with Edessan and Bostra subjected to brutal asteroid bombardment. The only location where Turian forces managed to halt the Ork advance was the heavily industrialised fortress world Nimines. The world-spanning cityscape was ravaged by pan-global urban warfare for almost two months, and had it fallen Palaven would have been left dangerously exposed.

When the Asari diplomatic team from the nearby Asari world of Sanves arrived, primarily in response to the Ork invasion of the Citadel, Nimines was at breaking point. Already half a billion Turian soldiers had been ground beneath the treads of the Ork war machine and had the Orks not halted their war there is no doubt the homeworld would have seen conflict for the first time since before the Unification Wars.

The butcher's bill was astronomical. The damage measured in quintillions of credits, with a death toll near eighteen billion, most of them inflicted in the asteroid bombings of Bostra and Edessan. On top of that, the Ork demand for reparations, five percent of the Hierarchy's GDP per annum and a tithe of raw materials from Council mining operations, effectively crippled the ability for the Hierarchy to rebuild. At the time of writing (2172) Edessan and Bostra have been declared unfit for Turian life and the Hierarchy is in the most debt to Asari and Salarian institutions that it has ever been in. If the Ork War was a grievous wound dealt to the Hierarchy then the Orkish reparations were a fester that compromised the ability of the state to heal and regain its strength. Whether this was a deliberate ploy to prevent another challenge from the Hierarchy or a product of the average Ork's instinctual looting is unknown.

SOURCE B: Hakkit's speech to the Ork Empire of 1st November 2157 (transcript of audio recording in original Orkish)

Alrite, lissen up boys. We's gonna stop fightin' da spikies.

(A chorus of angry yells silenced by a burst of gunfire, most likely from Hakkit's kustom shoota. Somebody shouts for a dok.)

Da bounsies 'ave kum and torked ta us. Dey sez da spikies wos wrong ta attak us an' dat we's gunna get ta giv da spiky bosses a proppa Orky yellin' at. Da best bit is dat da spikies will 'ave ta giv us lotsa bitz and teef every year an' if dey don't we kan go an' loot it from dem.

I knows lotsa you boys will be kross about dis, but dis be da furst time anywun's tried ta tork to da Orks, an' da least we kan do is tork bak. We's got da advantij at da moment, so dis is da best time ta tork if we wanna skweez every last toof outta da spikies. Any queschuns?

(An Ork mek shouts out a question)

Wot kindsa bitz is we gonna get from da spikies, Boss? Dere shootas is useless and we got more weirdgubbinz dan we kan shake a choppa at.

(Hakkit thinks for a moment.)

I's not shore wot dey's gonna offa. But woteva it is, it betta be gud fer da Orks an' bad fer da spikies. Orks nevva lose a Waaagh! an' da spikies need ta learn dat rite kwik. Oddawise we gonna see how gud dat metully plannit burns.

SOURCE C: War and Economy (transcript from Galaxy Tonight talk show)

Maria T'Suma: Now tonight for our spotlight, we have a very special guest. Here from the University of Serrice to speak about the economic impact of the Ork War and reparations, please welcome noted economist and journalist Hannia Seriden.

(Applause as HS enters)

MT: Thank you for coming, Hannia.

Hannia Seriden: It was my pleasure.

MT: In the wake of the Ork War, the already struggling Turian Hierarchy has been presented with a crippling bill of reparations by the Ork Empire. Could you fill our viewers in on what the bill details?

HS: Yes, Maria. The terms of the bill can be summarised thus: the Turians have to pay the Orks a sum of five per cent of their gross domestic product every year, as well as a yearly tithe of raw materials from state run mining operations. If the Turians default on any payment the Orks have permission to take it by force and any attempt to resist them will result in the re-initiation of hostilities between the Turians and the Orks.

MT: Five per cent GDP? That is a hefty sum.

HS: Indeed, and it is made worse by the nature of the Hierarchy. Every Turian corporation is, however indirectly, state owned. This means that the five per cent GDP applies not only to government income but to every sector of the Turian economy.

MT: Surely the Orks must realise they are compromising the Turian ability to recoup their losses?

HS: I'm certain they do. Whether it is deliberate or not, the Orks most definitely recognise the extra hardship they are inflicting on the Hierarchy. If I had to guess, most of them are quite pleased about it.

MT: Pleased while orphaned Turian children starve to death? What kind of monsters are these Orks?

HS: The thing is, the Turians got off fairly lightly. Although the economic sanctions are certainly severe, the Orks were in a position to inflict far worse. Although the Turians are unwilling to admit it, had we not intervened the Orks would have inevitably taken Nimines, which would have given them a straight shot through to Palaven, which being an economic and cultural centre was comparatively less militarised than Nimines. If they had wanted to the Orks could have demanded weapons, far greater economic sanctions and even tithes of population for use as slave labour and the Hierarchy would have had no choice but to agree.

MT: So you're saying the Orks were what, merciful?

HS: Merciful is the wrong word. Perhaps it would be better to say that they had an opportunity to crush the Turian people for good and didn't take it. I can't tell you why, only what happened.

MT: There are some who say that the Orks should not be permitted to demand reparations and should instead be forced to pay them to compensate for war crimes committed.

HS: Perhaps if this were being dictated by morality that would be the case. I for one lost many friends during the Ork attack on the Citadel, and many more of my colleagues and students have been left destitute when no compensation was forthcoming for losses suffered when the Orks refused to move off Zakera Ward. I have no sympathy for the Orks but it is clear that the only thing standing between them and unchallenged rule of the galaxy is our diplomatic efforts. Ultimately there is but one choice to make. What is more important to you? Justice for what happened five years ago, or the continued existence of the Citadel Council and every species under its jurisdiction?


	6. Chapta Six - Dat Kold Plannit

"This is Noveria flight control. Our defence grid is armed and locked on. State your business."

"Wot a bunch o' dikks."

Jokka activated the talky-majik.

"Dis be da Orky kroozer Normandy. We's got a Spectur on board so you's betta let us froo, ya mizrubbel gits."

"... A Spectre on an Ork ship? You expect me to believe that?"

Sheppurt grabbed the headset.

"Now you look 'ere, ya dum git. I's Kommando Sheppurt and if you wotched da noos enny time in da last too weeks ya kno 'oo I is. So you's gonna let us froo or da Council is gonna 'ear dat dis kold plannit no longa rekkernises dere auforrity an' dat won't be gud fer any of you korporate gits, so let us da zog froo."

"Fine. Routing you to a docking bay. We will confirm your credentials on arrival and if we cannot confirm your ship will be impounded."

"Woteva, gits."

Jokka cut the transmission.

"I fink I's gonna take ma next leev 'ere, it seems like a fun plase."

Sheppurt placed his favourite tricorn hat on his head.

"Dat it duz. Gavver da mob."

###

"Ay, korporate fuggs. 'Ow welkummin'."

"Stop right there."

"Okay. I's stopped. Now you 'as ten sekkunds ta get outta my way."

"Forget that. Corporal, relieve them of their weapons."

The cocky Batarian woman suddenly found herself staring down the barrels of a bewildering array of Orky firepower.

"Go ahead an' try, squint."

An Ork rushed out into the middle of the confrontation.

"Sergeant Stirling, stan' down. Is you tryin' ta start a Waaagh! in dis port? An' Kommando, youse 'ave ta relenkwish yer weppunz in da port. I prommise I's give dem bak aftawards."

"Dat ain't gud enuff. I need ma shootas fer da dispensin' of justiss."

A throaty voice interrupted over the talky-majik.

"Kaptin Matsoowo, stand down! Their credentials have just been cleared. Spectres are permitted to carry weapons."

"Dere, see? No problumz."

The Batarian sergeant scowled at the Orks as they walked past. In a fit of pique and exceptional stupidity she reached up and knocked the hat off Sheppurt's head as he passed her position. The room suddenly went very quiet.

Sheppurt looked over to the Kaptin o' Sakkurity.

"Kaptin Matsoowo, woz you evva a Stormboy?"

"Yes, as a matta of fakt."

"Gud. Remind me o' da Stormboy Regulashun Z."

"Regulashun Z. If dey tuch me 'at, all da odda regulashuns kan go zog demselves."

"Gud. Tell yer boys not ta intafeer while I ejukate dis squint."

The captain looked around at his mob.

"All you lot, stan' down an' don't intafeer woteva 'appens."

Sheppurt stalked towards the increasingly less blustery squint.

"Nuffink personal squint. You tuched me 'at so you brot dis on yerself."

Moving at blinding speed, Sheppurt grabbed both of her ankles in one green paw and proceeded to beat her against the walls, the floor, the railing and in one case the ceiling, before casually disembowelling the shattered body with a flick of his choppa and hurling the corpse over the side. Ten pairs of eyes followed it down, wincing as it bounced off a rock, split in two across the waist and plummeted into the abyss.

"Konsidder dis a lurnin' eksperiense. If you's fond o' livvin, nevva tuch an Ork's 'at."

Sheppurt picked up his hat, lovingly dusted a spot of stray snow off it and replaced it on his head.

"Rite den. We's got bizness ta get on wiv."

Leaving behind the shellshocked guards and chuckling Kaptin, Sheppurt led his merry band of misfits through the security barrier, ignoring the blaring weapon alarms.

"Sorry about the alarms."

"An' you wud be dat git on da talky-majik earlier."

The Drell female inclined her head in agreement.

"I am Gianna Parasini, assistant to Administrator Anoleis. How may I assist you?"

"I's wunderin' wot you kan tell me about Binary 'Elix."

"Not much that won't breach the company's privacy. Binary Helix is a private biotech research corporation operating out of Peak 15 in the Skadi mountains. If it is of any interest, an Asari matriarch arrived there a couple of days ago, acting as the executor of one Praius Malik."

Sheppurt glanced at Garrus, who gave an imperceptible flick of a mandible in return. Praius was the first name of Saren's father and Malik was a small town on Rodam that Saren was known to frequent. Almost certainly an alias for their target.

"Is importunt we speek ta sumwun 'oo kan repruzent Mr. Malik as soon as possibul. We's afta a group o' kompoota 'akkers an' we 'ave reazun ta baleev Mr. Malik mite be a targit. 'Ow does I put dis delikutly ... Mr. Malik 'as made many ... donashuns ... ta da Council an in return 'e gets looked afta betta dan most, if ya catch my drift. I's shore bof Mr. Malik an' more importantly 'is staks wud be most kross if we was 'eld up fer no gud reason."

"Of course, I understand perfectly. Let me set up a meeting with Administrator Anoleis."

As the Drell turned and bent down to type something into her terminal, both Garrus and Liara leaned forwards, their gazes fixed firmly on the woman's posterior end. Ash let out a throaty laugh.

"Hur hur. See anyfink ya like?"

Both the Turian and the Asari leaped backward as if stung, drawing bellows of laughter from the other five members of the group.

"Kum on ya gits. Les go tork ta dis administrayter. An' smile fer da kamraz."

###

"Dat ... zoggin' ... DIKK!"

The meeting with Anoleis had gone about as well as expected. Despite the cover story and several thinly veiled threats to Anoleis's person and wallet, very little progress had been made, leading Sheppurt to conclude the slippery Salarian had been instructed to obstruct him.

"You haven't been in this game long, have you? You can't bludgeon through bureaucracy."

"I dunno about dat. I kan bluggen froo mos' everyfing else. Wot's you suggestin'?"

"Meet me upstairs in the bar. Can't say more where Anoleis might hear."

###

"Greetings, esteemed Spectre. What brings you to my humble establishment?"

Garrus glanced around nervously. All three Orks had tensed up the instant they saw the Hanar and he could tell they were exercising a frankly un-Orky amount of restraint not to fill the poor merchant with holes.

"This one cannot help but wonder if the esteemed Spectre would care to assist a humble merchant with a small matter, for adequate compensation of course."

"Wot you wont?"

"There is a small brown package in the docks that is very important to a customer of mine. However it is technically illegal on Noveria."

"Lemme guess. Ya wont me ta use my Spectur persishun ta get dis fing past da kustoms. Wot is it anyway?"

"It is an experimental weapon mod ..."

"I's shore me meks wud appreshiate it. Ash, go get da fing an' put it on da kroozer. By my auforrity as a Spectur I's seizin' yer illegal goods fer proppa disposal. Espect ta be 'earin from sekurity pretty soon. Goodbye jelly-zogga."

The team left the speechless Hanar floating in his shop. Once they were at a safe distance Garrus had to ask.

"What was that all about? It looked like you were a second away from turning that Hanar into sushi."

"Orks an' floatas don't get along so gud. Is a long story."

###

The chat with the Drell, clearly more than just a piece of eye candy behind a desk, had proved remarkably educational.

"Alrite den. I's gonna need you lot ta keep an eye on all dese goonz while I go get da proof."

"You're going in alone?"

"Don't worry bukkit, dey won't even see me. Which brings me ta da sekund point. I needs ya ta 'akk da gards talky-majiks so dey kan't organize gud."

"I'm on it.

"Gud. Krog-boy an' Kadun will keep an eye on you. Da ovver free, I wont you ta keep a look on da lifty bitz. Tell me if any more of dem gits are kummin' or goin'. As fer me, I's goin' ta get sum koffee."

###

The lift doors opened, the two guards approaching to see an Ork in an ill-fitting security uniform carrying a tray of coffee cups.

"Ay lads, I brot koffee. 'Ow's it goin' up 'ere?"

The Turian narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"I don't recognise you."

"I's noo. Noo git brings koffee, rite?"

The two guards took cups of coffee, or whatever the dextro version was, and both sipped it appreciatively. The Asari looked up at the Ork.

"What flavour is that, is it cinnamon?"

"Sumfink like dat, yeh."

Sheppurt caught the two coffee cups deftly as they slipped from between the fingers of the unconscious guards.

"Squigbrains, da lot of 'em."

Concealing the two idiots was easy - there was a multitude of cupboards in the office that were somehow the perfect size to conceal an unconscious guard. Not one to question providence, Sheppurt slipped into the shadows, watching the patterns the guards were marching. For such idiotic rejects they had an uncanny ability to march in perfect lines and geometric shapes.

"Okay den," he muttered to himself, "time fer sum proppa kommandoin' proseedure. Step wun: take out da lites."

Unslinging his speshul snikky slugga, Sheppurt looked around the room. An air vent, perfect. People never screwed the covers onto their air vents when kommandoin' was required.

Waiting until all the guards were looking away, he took careful aim and put a single bullet into the first light fixture. The bulb shattered with an impressive crack, fragments of glass blown everywhere and one even bouncing off a guard's head. The nearest sentry looked around the ninety degree arc in front of him, shrugged and kept going. Sheppurt took out an Orky sneaking contraption, placing it over his head. The Stelfy Box Fing was designed to mimic a perfectly ordinary cardboard box, seemingly overlooked by dumb sentries everywhere, even places with no reason to contain a periodically mobile cardboard box.

Making his way past the guard in the box was laughably easy once he had the timing down, bringing him into range of the next lightbulb. Shooting it out was equally dramatic, and of equal interest to the guards. As in, they didn't notice. Boggling at their idiocy, Sheppurt nonetheless continued on. The third light down, he snuck into the airvent, once again confirming that nobody knew how to use a screwdriver.

###

"Ay Boss, da nex' time you kan let sumwun else drive."

"Zog yerself Ash."

After a spot of negotiating, a skirmish with Geth forces in the cargo bay and a hair-raising ride through a snowy canyon they had finally arrived at Peak 15. The stove in garage doors and fires were both bad signs.

"Spirits ... What do you suppose happened in here?"

Sheppurt led them through the door and into the base. The nine foot Geth unit turned around and examined them for half a second before raising its very large weapon.

"Geff nob! Covva!"

The Normandy mob dove into cover, narrowly avoiding the fusillade of plasma bolts.

"Zog dam it! Shoot bak!"

The expansive hangar was crisscrossed with the contrails of Ork shootas and Geth plasma bolts, occasionally punctuated by a semi-constrained lightening bolt from Tali's zappa.

"Look out! Krogan on the upper gantry!"

"I see him, but we're pinned here!"

Sheppurt growled.

"Kadun, ow's ya feelin?"

The Ork weirdboy perfectly understood the question.

"I's feelin' lukky taday, Boss. Anyfink in partikula take yer fansy?"

Sheppurt paused to arm a stikkbomm and toss it up to the gantry, making the Krogan scramble back with a muttered curse.

"See if ya kan sort out dat Geff nob."

"I's got sumfink speshul fer dat git."

Kadun stood, biotic flame flailing around his body as he thrust his weirdstikk outward toward the Geth Prime and roared his intent.

"I'Z GONNA SQUIG YA!"

Dark energy whipped around the Prime, the shriek of tortured metal punctuated by the occasional blast of light as atoms were rent apart and reorganised by the power of the Waaagh! coursing through the air. When the energy dissipated, the unfortunate Prime was gone and in its place ...

The Squig looked around curiously, wondering what was going on as seven brains and five visual processors short-circuited. Garrus was the first to recover.

"Kadun ... Did you just turn that Geth Prime into a Squig?"

"Da Zogwurt Speshul. Nevva gets old. Sic 'em, Squig!"

The Squig sprang at the nearest Geth trooper, its phalanx of razor sharp teeth closing on the optics of the unit as the Normandy's crew opened fire. Without the firepower of the Prime and with a tiny berserker in their ranks the Geth squad and their Krogan ally were dealt with in fairly short order. The cheerful ex-Prime bounced up to Sheppurt, affectionately nuzzling his ankle. Chuckling, the Kommando picked up the small creature and perched it on his broad shoulder.

"I's gonna korl ya Deffchompa."

Deffchompa seemed pleased with his new name.

"Rite den. Onwards an' gubbinz."

###

"Keep allurt. I's gettin' a funny feelin'."

"The last time you said that we were attacked by a Thresher Maw."

"So keep yer eyes open an' lookin'. I don't want ta be skrapin' any of you gits off ma bootz later."

A resounding thump sounded through the room, followed by the tapping of feet.

"Ay zog. Surcle o' Dakka, lads."

The crew arranged themselves into a circle, six of them kneeling with guns aimed as Kadun stood in the middle with his weirdstikk at the ready.

"'Ow you doin', Bounsy?"

"I'm okay, thank you."

The vent cover popped off, flying through the air.

"Inkummin'!"

A shrieking insectoid monstrosity erupted from the vent, swiftly getting filled with ammunition.

"Wot da zog is dat?"

"Gork's teef, dat's 'uge!"

Wrex let out a growl worthy of any Ork.

"That is a Rachni."

"Goddess! Are you certain?"

"My people sacrificed almost everything to wipe them out. If they're back it can only be a bad thing."

"I don't want to believe my mother can be mixed up in something so horrible, but I suppose there is little use in denying what is in front of me."

Ash approached the downed Rachni.

"I fort da skuttlas wud be bigga. 'Ow did dey giv da Krog-boys so much trubbel?"

"Dere wos a lot of dem."

Wrex went up to the deceased Rachni and squeezed a tentacle, making a spurt of greenish liquid shoot out. When it hit the floor it fizzed and started to eat through the metal.

"This acid can eat through armour and flesh faster than a heavy machine gun. One hit is all it takes to kill you."

"We's gonna 'ave ta stikk ta covva den. Keep yer shootas at da ready."

###

Matriarch Benezia didn't look away from the Rachni Queen as she heard the door open. It was too much to hope that Ventralis and Alestia managed to take out a rampaging Ork Spectre. Although she wouldn't admit it she had been rehearsing her speech in her head ever since she had first caught wind of the damnable Ork's presence. If it was to be her last speech she was determined to make it a memorable one.

"Do you know what it means to be a mother? To ..."

"Cor! Look at dem titz!"

That brought her up short.

"Ay Bounsy, 'ave dey always been dat 'uge?"

"To watch as ..."

"'Ow duz she not toppel over frontwayz evry ten sekkunds?"

"Kan't be gud fer 'er bak eiver."

"Ew. That's my mother you're talking about."

"I shan't be moved, no matter who ..."

"Wot duz you fink, spiky? Real or plastik?"

"Oh, definitely plastic. On Asari they usually get to a nice D then stop."

"I AM TRYING TO MONOLOGUE HERE!"

The Spectre and his goons turned to her.

"Sorry. Kontinue, pleez. I's gonna lissen gud, onnist."

She sighed and dropped her head into one hand.

"Forget it. It wasn't even a good monologue."

"Nevva mind den. Nise 'at, by da way."

"Thank you. Yours looks good as well. Shall we get this over with then?"

"Gud idea. Krump dat git!"

Benezia lashed out with a stasis, catching Sheppurt, the Turian and the Quarian as the other four spread out. Geth began to flood into the room, their weapons already up and ready. With Sheppurt indisposed it fell to Kadun to give the order.

"Shoot da Geff!"

As the cacophony of a firefight rang out, Kadun raised his weirdstikk and pointed it at his chosen target.

"Rite den, Benezzlez. We's goin' 'ead ta 'ead."

Kadun thrust his weirdstikk out, biotic energy flaring between the two as he engaged the Matriarch in a titanic battle of wills. Sheppurt, Garrus and Tali finally broke free of the stasis, immediately opening fire on the approaching Geth. Once again, Tali's Zappa proved remarkably effective although the top of the line mass accelerator sniper rifle wielded by Garrus was reaping a heavy toll on the approaching mixture of Geth and Asari commandos as well.

"I shall crush your puny mind, Ork!"

Kadun laughed at Benezia's threat.

"You say dat like it mite akshulky 'appen. But you's da wun 'oos mob 'as been slortered."

Benezia's focus was broken as she instinctively tried to check up on her army. That was all the opening Kadun needed to crush her mental defences and batter her mind into submission.

"'Ello dere. 'Oos dis?"

In the back of her mind was another voice, this one lacking the malicious edge of her other one and just sounding tired.

"You have to listen to me! Please!"

Kadun glanced around. The rest of the mob had finished with the Geth and were converging on his position.

"Bounsy, kum 'ere. Meld wiv me."

"What? Why?"

"I's in yer muvver's 'ead an' she wants ta tork ta you."

Liara didn't need another invitation. She immediately grabbed the weirdboy and plunged into the chaotic confines of the Orkish mind.

"Little wing? Is that you?"

Outside the mental dreamworld she was in, tears began to leak from Liara's eyes.

"Yes Mother. I am here."

"I am so sorry ... I never wanted this. You must tell Sheppurt ... Saren's ship, called Sovereign, is an ancient relic. I don't know where from. It emits this energy that slowly twists your mind, turns you to believe every lie that he spins. I joined him in the hope of a gentler path, I ended up committing atrocities in his name."

"Mother ..."

"I don't know how long I have. I can still feel his foul will. I was sent here to find the co-ordinates of the lost Mu Relay from the Rachni Queen. They are on an OSD in the front pocket of my purse. What Saren seeks is beyond the Mu Relay. Liara ... I want you to know ..."

"Mother ..."

"I said many hurtful things the last time we spoke, and I wish more than anything I could go back and stop myself from saying them. I just want you to know that no matter what I may have said I was always, and will always be, a proud mother to a beautiful and intelligent daughter. I love you, Little Wing."

"I ... I love you too, Mother."

That was the last Benezia ever spoke.

"Uh, Boss? Not dat I wont ta interrupt dis emoshunal gubbinz but dat dead bounsy's just got up."

Sheppurt looked up sharply from the grief-stricken Liara. Sure enough, an Asari commando with a scorched hole through her stomach thanks to Tali's Zappa was shuffling towards the Rachni Queen's prison.

"Wot da zog?"

"We cannot sing. Not in these low spaces."

"Ah. I ashume I's torkin ta da skuttla boss?"

"We are Rachni."

"'Ow kum all da uvver skuttlaz went nutz an' tried ta kill us?"

"The needle-men came and took my children away. They tried to turn them into claws with no songs of their own. Instead they got children maddened with fear who lash out at all around them. It pains me to say, but they must be slain."

"An' why did ya attak da Council gits all dat time ago?"

"We do not know. The memories are unclear. A sour yellow note soured the songs of our ancestors. Much like the children you killed to get here, they were war-maddened."

"Hum. Okay den, does ya know da name of dis bukkit?"

Sheppurt indicated Tali.

"Yes, I have heard it sung."

"'Er name be Rana."

The Rachni Queen seemed confused.

"Truly, you do not know the name of your own warrior?"

"I do. I just needed ta make shore of sumfink. So wot's I gonna do wiv you den?"

Wrex butted in at that point.

"Sheppurt, the tank's rigged with acid. Kill that damn thing before it breeds and we have a second Rachni War on our hands."

Liara had her own two cents to add in.

"You can't do that! She's the last of the species, and you heard her. The war was not their idea. You can't commit genocide."

Sheppurt didn't even need to think about it.

"I's lettin' ya go."

"Sheppurt!"

"Lissen ta ma lojjik, Wrex. If dey turn out gud, dey kan be a great 'elp against da Reepas when dey roll froo. If dey turn out bad, well, gud fights is 'ard ta kum by dese days. I's made ma choice."

"Alright. But if they do go bad I expect to see you lead the charge."

"Don' be silly, I's a Kommando. I be snikkin inta dere base wiv bomms an' gubbinz."

The Rachni Queen seemed genuinely surprised by the decision.

"You would give us the chance to compose anew?"

"Jus' make shore ya keep on da strate an' narro."

He hit the release and like a flash the Rachni Queen was gone.

"Dis is gonna be a fun debriefing."

**GLOSSARY**

**Dry**: Drell. Note that Ork Kommandoz will occasionally use the term 'Dry-boy' to show their respect for the 'snikky killyness' of Drell assassins.

**Hat**: 1. An item of clothing designed to be worn on the top of the head, either for decorative or practical purposes. (Aliana saw it was raining outside and so she decided to wear a hat). 2. A sacred object in Ork kultur, often used as a status symbol. (Cor, dat's a gud 'at. Dat git must be dead killy). Orks treat their hats with reverence and are honour bound to kill anyone who touches it without showing appropriate respect.

**Skuttla**: 1. Keeper. 2. Rachni. 3. Any large insectoid life form.

**Rok Bomm**: A large asteroid that is launched at a planet with an intention to cause widespread surface devastation. (Dem spikies still kross cuz we rok bommed sum of dere plannits).

**Staks**: Orkish slang for large quantities of money. Derived from the practice of Ork Sumboyz to keep track of a klan's finances using stacks of small wooden discs, each one representing a set quantity of teef.

**Space 'Ulk**: A mobile Waaagh! headquarters made from hundreds of Ork ships crudely bolted together.

**Kill Kroozer**: A dedicated warship.

**Haula Kroozer**: A civilian transport or merchant ship.

**Freebooter Speshul**: A civilian vessel with its cargo hold refitted with gun decks. So named because it is most commonly found in the hands of Ork Freebooters.

**CODEXY BITZ****  
**  
C-SEC Bulletin to All Officers (21st October 2179)

Sender: Executor Pallin

This time of year contains two Orkish festival days, both of which are collectively known as the Festival o' Dakka. On the night of October 31st, known as 'Ollow Point Een, Orks will go out in costume, usually themed around excessive firepower, and engage in an activity called Dakka or Deff, whereupon they knock upon doors and demand a donation of ammunition. If none is forthcoming they will attempt to kill the occupants of the home, usually with explosives. The second part is the night of November 5th, also known as Bomm Fire Nite. On this evening Orks will fire all manner of weapons into the air and at each other, as well as anyone who happens to be nearby.

On the 31st, citizens may stay in Zakera Ward as long as they have a large stockpile of Ork firearms and ammunition to dispense to Dakka or Deffers. C-sec officers in Zakera precincts may take part in this tradition if they are so inclined but are warned that murder is against the law. In all other regions Dakka or Deff is strictly forbidden.

On the 5th all C-SEC services are to be suspended in Zakera Ward and all air traffic is to be grounded. Non-Ork citizens are strongly advised to evacuate the ward at this time. In all other regions Bomm Fire Nite is strictly forbidden. Additional patrols will be implemented to ensure this is appropriately enforced.

Although this department has a positive track record when it comes to policing this time, that is no excuse to get careless. All officers should bear in mind that Orks are inherently unpredictable, and that even the most affable seeming one may decide to gun you down on a whim.

C-SEC Bulletin to All Officers (15th December 2179)

Sender: Executor Pallin

As you are probably all aware the Orkish festival of Squigmas is fast approaching. For those unfamiliar with the time, it is a festival during which Orks celebrate their symbiotic relationship with the many species of Squig they share their homeworld with, usually through violence.

During this time, they consume a type of squig known as the Dum Flappin' Squig or Flappa, honour their gods Gork and Mork through gladiatorial combat, engage in games of Toss da Squig or Squig Eatin', and the event is usually culminated by a ritualised hunt of a Colossal Squig, Squiggoth or Squigzilla.

During this festival, Zakera Ward precincts will suspend all activity and all non-Orks will be strongly advised to evacuate during the three days of the festival. Under no circumstances must any personnel interfere in any Ork activities during this period on Zakera Ward.

In all other areas known to house Orks extra patrols will be implemented and officers will travel in minimum groups of six, with full armour and weapons. Patrols during this period will also be issued with anti tank weaponry.

Last year we managed not to lose a single man during this time, and I'm hoping we can continue this streak of rare fortune. I hardly need to remind any veterans of the Squigmas 2174 debacle.


	7. Chapta Sevvun - Shoppin'

"Lissen up gits! We's got a kuppel of days on da Citadel, an' so is time fer sum shore leave. Evrywun kan do wot dey wont, 'cept Bounsy an' Bukkit 'oo are wiv me fer da furst day. Also, sakkurity gits need ta keep an eye on da ship. I don't wanta get bak 'ere ta find dey let a Loota onto da ground kroo, ya get me? Gud."

Tali and Liara met Sheppurt at the breethy stuff lok, both wondering why they had been singled out.

"Rite den. We's got sum shoppin' ta do. Bounsy, you need sum bitz, dat wun lab kote is lookin' a bit busted rite now. Den you's both need proppa Orky armour, an' we need sum moar bukkit food as well."

"Do you think we could stop by the M'sania shopping mall? Everything I need is probably there."

"Gud idea. Dat's where all da bounsies go ta shop anyway. But first, we's goin' ta da Zakera Ward."

Deffchompa yipped happily, drawing wary glances from the two females. Whenever the squig was happy it usually meant violence was a probable outcome of whatever they were about to do.

"Oy! Taxy!"

The taxi drivers were usually very prompt when Orks wanted a ride. As it turned out, that was because Orks were great tippers.

"I's needin' ta get ta da ate-'underd bloks, kwik as ya like."

Liara winced at those words. She had led a relatively safe life, sure, but even she knew that telling a Salarian taxi driver to go as quick as he liked was a terrible idea.

The ride was certainly hair-raising. Not only was their chauffeur Salarian but he was also quite insane, and by the time they reached their destination Sheppurt had made a friend for life. In the back seats, Liara and Tali had spent most of the ride clinging to each other and screaming their lungs out.

"Dat wos orsum. Alrite, we's 'ere."

The visibly shaken Tali and Liara eased themselves out of the taxi, both looking around. Liara could remember visiting Zakera Ward before the Ork War, and the clean lines of buildings she remembered couldn't be further from what she saw now. The entire ward had been, for want of a better word, Orkified. The only non-Orks she saw beside herself and Tali were either Krogan, or those rare individuals who identified better to Orks than their kind, normally placed into a psych ward as soon as possible by their own species. The air was pervaded with the scent of smoke and cordite, the atmosphere was dark and oppressive and every building was covered in Ork totems, many of which consisted of a creative arrangement of the skeletons of various species.

"Ah. Almost as gud as 'ome. Off ta da mek shopp."

"M ... mek shopp?"

He led the two of them on an incomprehensible winding course through the ward, eventually coming to a halt in front of a large building with what looked like an array of capacitors in front of it. Sheppurt barged through the door, bellowing a greeting.

"'Ello, Ken!"

A Big Mek stomped round from behind some outlandish contraption.

"Sheppurt! I 'assent seen ya fer yeers! Oy Gabbz, get out 'ere!"

"Ay Ken, is dat Sheppurt I's 'earin?"

"'Ello Gabbz. Da too of you up ta no gud as ushul?"

"Course we is. So wot kan I do fer ya, Sheppurt? Need anuvver speshul snikky slugga?"

"Not kwite. I's 'ere ta get sum bitz fer dese two."

"A bounsy an' a bukkit? Dat's ..."

"Unkunvenshunal."

Tali looked from one to the other, bemused. They even finished each other's sentences.

"Dey's on ma kroo, so dey need gud bitz. Da bof of dem need gud Orky armour an' betta choppas, an' da bounsy needs a weirdstikk."

"Okays den. Lessee ... Hum. Kum bak at da end of da day and we's be finished makin' da gubbinz."

"Gud. We'll be bak dis aftanoon den."

"See ya round, Sheppurt."

The three of them left the mek shopp, making their way back to the taxi stand in no time. To the Ork's delight and the mounting horror of the others their Salarian friend was still there.

"'Ello again. M'sania shoppin' place, an' I'll make it wurf yer while if ya get us dere in ten minnits."

The Salarian grinned maniacally and gunned the engine.

#####

"Ohmygoddessohmygoddessohmygoddess ..."

"Kee-EEELAH!"

"We's 'ere. Gud werk, taxy-nutta."

The three of them disembarked from the taxi into the most exclusive Asari shopping arcade on the Presidium. The only non-Asari present were an assortment of species with a universal long-suffering demeanour getting towed along by their blue-skinned bond mates, usually piled high with bags of every shape, form and description.

"I remember my mother took me here for my fiftieth birthday. She told me I could get whatever I wanted. We ended up needing to rent a cargo truck to bring all my purchases back to the hotel."

Behind her back, Tali and Sheppurt exchanged an alarmed glance.

"Come on, let's have a look at the map."

"Wait. You need a map?"

"Gork prezurve us."

As it turned out, the mall was a colossal structure, with four stories and almost half a kilometre in its longest axis. The sheer volume of stores boggled the mind, and Sheppurt earned more than a few sour glances from passing shoppers when he expressed his sentiment that not a single one of the shops was useful, something Tali had to agree with.

"We can stop here first."

"Thessian Dreams? What does that sell?"

As it turned out, it sold lingerie.

"Worr. Dis be un-Orky."

Sheppurt looked around the expansive store, the walls covered in larger than life pictures of Asari models wearing very little clothing, ranging from the standard 'lounging on couch' pose to some that were overtly sexual. Rack after rack contained items of underclothing in every design and colour imaginable, all tied together by their common trait of being painfully sexualised.

"Oo, look at dat wun. She's 'oldin a shoota. Shame 'er armour's all busted."

"I think it's supposed to look like that."

"Wot? Why da zog would ya wear armour like dat?"

Deciding that explaining fetishes to a species as sexually oblivious as the Orks was far, far above her pay grade, Tali shrugged.

"I have no idea."

Liara was browsing some of the more demure (lit. not completely scandalous) items when she was ambushed by what looked like a small army of sales assistants.

"Oh my Goddess!" one of them shrieked. "She's perfect!"

"Huh?"

"Look at her chest! It's the perfect size, and so well formed too!"

At this point Liara was seriously worried she was about to get gang-banged in a lingerie store. What seemed like the setup to a cheap porn vid was approaching realisation far too fast for her liking.

"What are you ..."

"Come this way! We have just the thing for you!"

Tali and Sheppurt watched with amusement as the shop assistants towed Liara over to the area of the shop dominated (hur hur) by leather, studs and ball gags. Apparently her cybork arm was sending mixed messages.

"Should we intervene?"

"Is you kiddin'?"

"Yes."

"Gud."

It took twenty minutes for Liara to escape the clutches of her admirers, and when she did make it to the checkout she needed two bags. Since Sheppurt was busy doing an unspecified thing at the time Tali ended up lugging them around as Liara marched off down the mall.

"Zoggin' 'eck. An' I fort da purade-mastuhz at da Stormboy kamps were tuff."

"Come on. We can probably squeeze in a lunch break in about an hour."

Sheppurt started praying to Gork and Mork for a rampaging Squiggoth to smash through the wall. At least then he'd have something to do.

#####

The cargo truck ended up being unnecessary. As it turned out Jokka was training Garrus to fly the Deffkopta, allowing them to airlift Liara's purchases back to the Normandy. Sheppurt was disappointed that his insane taxi friend was otherwise engaged and they ended up being taken back to the mek shopp by a considerably more cautious Turian.

When they arrived, they were greeted out front by Ken and Gabbz.

"Ay Sheppurt. Da bitz be dun, kum inta da shopp an' see. Bring yer aliunz wiv ya."

The Normandy crew followed the paired Big Meks into the mek shopp, Sheppurt artfully dodging a shower of sparks from some gizmo or other. Another such device decided to launch a flaming ball of something at them, only for Liara to bat it away with an annoyed huff then stare at her cybork arm as if she couldn't quite believe it.

"'Ere's da bitz."

Sheppurt was impressed. The two Orky armoured exoskeletons in front of him had clearly been sized for Tali and Liara, with allowances made for their various physiological differences.

"Kum 'ere, bounsy furst."

Liara walked forward, nervously watching the looming Big Meks as she approached the leftmost set of armour.

"Fer da bounsy, we made sum 'ard armour bitz dat go on top of 'er reggeler armour. Den we made 'er a weirdstikk an' a littul upgrade fer da bionik bitz."

Liara let out a surprised yelp as her cybork arm was detached just below the elbow and replaced with an enormous boxy housing with three metallic prongs sticking out the end.

"Ay Bounsy! You got a power klaw!"

"Figgered you's wantin' da best, Sheppurt."

"You figgered rite. Wot you got fer Bukkit?"

"We's got a gud 'ard armour set dat goes on top of 'er frij-suit. Den you said she wos gud wiv kompootas so we got 'er a slice."

"A slice? You's really goin' abuv an' beyond wiv dis job."

"We still owes ya fer bailin' us out of dat krumped battlewagon bak in da Furst Kontakt Waaagh!"

"'Ow many teef is dat?"

"Tells ya wot. You kan owe me a faver."

"Fanks you too. You's gud sorts."

#####

"Kommando."

"Ambassadur. Fancy meetin' you 'ere."

"We's got sum noo infermayshun fer ya. A Council kolony 'as sent a distress korl an' da finkin' be da Geff be involved. You's best 'ead dere rite kwik."

"I's on ma way."

**GLOSSARY**

**Slice**: A portable Ork quantum supercomputer that resembles an archaic paper scroll. Very rare and difficult to make, but has processing power equal to a high end Turian strategic planning VI [~200 teraflops]

**Blokk**: Ork quantum supercomputer that takes the form of a massive chunk of qubit processing material. Although they are erratic, unpredictable and some might even say foul-tempered, these computers are essential for what is called 'numek' - the practice of integrating salvaged Citadel tech into mainstream Ork teknologee. Each one has processing power approximately equal to the STG's KC-114 supercomputer [~4 yottaflops].

**Bitz**: Generic plural that applies to quantities of discrete inanimate objects (wires, bullets, drinking glasses etc.)

**Gubbinz**: Generic plural that applies to quantities of substances (water, metal, eezo etc.)

**Boyz**: Generic plural that applies to groups of individuals, usually prefaced by a qualifier for a common feature or function of the group (burna boyz, mekboyz, krog-boyz etc).  
**  
****Weirdstikk**: A copper staff containing element zero threads, used by Ork Weirdboyz as a biotic focus.

**Power Klaw**: A large weapon that resembles a crab pincer made from energised blades, often worn by Ork leaders as a close combat weapon.  
**  
****Mekgun**: Any of a wide variety of outlandish energy weapons occasionally employed by Orks, including zappas, shuntas, beemy deffguns, tellyport blastas and lifta-droppas.

**WAAAGH!** 1. Common Ork warcry. (Da Orks go WAAAGH!). 2. A major war fought by Orks against an external threat or each other. (Dis is gonna be an 'uge WAAAGH!). 3. A field of energy that pervades the universe that is subtly influenced by the will of Orks, according to the Orkish religion. (Kum on lads, da WAAAGH! be on our side taday!). Although most see the WAAAGH! energy as little more than a superstition a small but growing minority in the Citadel scientific community are investigating the possibility that it might be behind some anomalous elements of Ork technology and physiology.

**CODEXY BITZ**

'Galaxy Weekly' - Letters to the Editor (20th Sept 2175)

Dear Editor,

In response to your article on the increasing Ork influence in the Attican Traverse, can I just say that I for one am glad of the change. The Hegemony's constant slaving has long been a threat to outlying Salarian colonies and though the Orks might not be the most desirable of neighbours at least they are taking action against these blatant violations of Council law. Quite frankly it is despicable that a race as unrefined and barbarous as the Orks has done more to safeguard Salarian citizens against slaver attacks in five years than the Turian military machine has done in five hundred.

- Tonus Mallen, age 22

Dear Editor,

Surely you must agree that the Orks are a menace that must be stopped! I have seen the official Hegemony report on the Ork attacks on Batarian scientific outposts in the Traverse and I am horrified that such brutal, senseless slaughter is allowed to happen. What's more, they then went to callously tear open the cages and turn those poor sick people out of the medical holding facility where Batarian scientists were working to cure them of unspecified life threatening ailments. I hope the Council will take real action soon against these unprovoked and savage attacks against one of their member states.

- Allisa T'spia, 305

Dear Editor,

Although I am loath to say it, on this rare occasion I stand with the Batarians. It is true that the Hegemony sanctioned slaving operations have to end in Council space, but the sheer devastation wreaked on the Batarian populace by rampaging Ork mobs is completely uncalled for. People seem to forget that the general population of the Hegemony are by and large just regular people trying to get by. They don't deserve to be massacred for the crime of being born into a totalitarian regime.

- Renus Baracian, 47

Dear Eddita,

Dis event be anuvva exampul of da imperialist kapitalist ambishuns of Boss Hakkit an' 'is attak squigs. It is da destinee of da riteful Orks of Top Kereea ta rool ova da galaxee an' spread da lite of troof an' freedum ta ah vslgf cbhdsivw

Sorry 'bout dat, I 'ad ta likk da grease from mah fingaz. Ushulee I 'as sumwun ta do dat as befits ma posishun as riteful leader of da galaxee but mah last wun got egsekuted fer laffing while I was torking, so I's between finga likkaz at da moment. As I wos sayin', da glorius mobs of Top Kereea is goin' ta take over da galaxee an' crush da Hakkit an' da Council wiv rains of fire from da 'eavenz.

Soon as da meks make me a nooklea bomm dat akshullee werks.

- Boss Kim Jong Oon (age not given)


	8. Chapta Ate: Dat Rusty Plannit

Chapta Ate - Dat Rusty Plannit

_Lissen up ya gitz! Dis be da Orferz Note! It 'as bin brot ta my attenshun dat on da mobile vershun of da site da scene breaks ain't workin'. I sent sum boyz ta "diskuss" da matta wiv da site admin, but until eiver 'im or more likelee 'is successa fixes it you's gonna 'ave ta put up wiv it, sorry._

FEROS - DA DOKKIN' BAY

Garrus peered down the scope of his sniper rifle.

"Is it just me or does that Turian look a bit spaced out?"

"If by dat you mean off 'is medz den yeh, littul bit. Les go see wot 'e wontz."

Sheppurt led the crew toward the Turian colonist. Up close, the man didn't look well at all. His eyes were bloodshot, his plates were unnaturally pale and he seemed to be having trouble focusing.

"You were sent by the Council? Fai Dan wishes to speak to you right away."

"'Oo da zog is Fai Dan?"

"He's our ... leader."

Any further discussion was cut off by an Orky roar of delighted surprise as the Turian took a missile to the small of the back, blowing him into shreds of flesh that washed over the crew like splattery shrapnel.

"Geff! Krump dem!"

The docking bay was swiftly filled with the criss-crossing streaks of light that signified an intense firefight, the golden flashes of Orky dakka opposed to the baleful blue glow of Geth plasma. The centrepiece of the Geth unit was a Prime, this one carrying some sort of long barrelled weapon slung under one arm that was spewing exploding globules of plasma, the other arm fitted with a triangular grey pod in which Sheppurt could see the blunt noses of three missiles. The weight of the weapons was such that the Prime had to lean backwards to counterbalance them.

"Targit dat nob!"

Wrex stood from cover, his heavy weapon in hand. The weapon in question was a Krogan pulse rocket launcher, this particular example adorned with enough kill marks, glyphs and totems to make an Ork green with envy (metaphorically speaking, of course) and in true Krogan fashion it didn't do things by half measures. Of all the various species in Council space, the Krogan were the only other ones who truly understood that there was no such thing as enough dakka.

The thick top loaded magazine dropped a rocket into the chamber, the weapon lighting off moments later. Exhaust fire belched out of vents in the back of the weapon as the rocket surged out of the muzzle, accelerating straight towards the Prime. The unfortunate Geth took the hit full on, shattering its kinetic barrier and sending it sprawling on its back. By the time it scrambled to its feet again Sheppurt's choppa was rapidly approaching its head.

"Gud fight. Les go see dese kolonists."

The trudge up to the colony proper was largely uneventful, the only entertainment coming from a couple of Geth scouts that were swiftly dispatched with hails of dakka. When they reached the colony, things started to get strange. And by strange, Sheppurt meant zoggin' strange.

"Errundz? Dey're unda attak by da Geff an' dey're sendin' us on errundz?"

Sheppurt shook his head in disgust as he examined the shopping list on his Omnitool.

"Get da watta flowin', kill sum Krog-dogs fer eatin', fix da powwa an' take out a Geff talky-majik. Hum. Okay den. I's wantin' Kadun, Spiky an' Krog-boy ta take kare of dat lot while I take Bukkit, Ash an' Bounsy ta da korporate buildin'."

After taking a moment to check his orders were clear, Sheppurt led the two ladies and the Flash Git to the garage. When they got there, Sheppurt let out a gleeful shout.

"Warbikez!"

Liara put it best.

"Oh zog."

Tali examined the bike she had been pointed at with a critical eye. It was a monster for sure, essentially an engine with two wheels, handlebars and more engines strapped to it. Just to get astride it she had to spread her legs uncomfortably wide and in order to reach both the handlebars and the pedals she had to rock forward and lie along the saddle on her stomach, her feet in the pedals somewhere behind her.

"'Ere we go den."

She struck the ignition, clinging on desperately while the engine ignited and tried to shake her off. After about ten seconds it settled down to a more manageable rate of vibration and she felt confident enough to try turning the handlebars.

"Kum on Bukkit. Da bike won't chomp ya! Probberly."

Deciding to go for it, she gunned the engine and followed Sheppurt's bike out of the garage in a cloud of dust.

###

FEROS - DA TUNNELZ

"Zog dis, zog dat an' zog wun uvver fing too. Dis is squigshit."

Wrex and Garrus had formed the impression that Kadun was less than impressed with being left behind to run errands in the tunnels.

"Odds are we'll find some Geth down here."

Kadun's face twisted into something resembling a Vorcha's bottom with a nose.

"Geff ain't no fun ta fight any more. Dey just stand dere an' shoot."

An enraged roar echoed through the tunnels.

"Dat's no Geff."

There was a pause, and then Kadun sighed.

"Wun of you's supposed ta say 'Dat's a spase stashun!'."

Garrus and Wrex stared at the Ork.

"You 'azzent seen Star Waaagh!?"

He shook his head in disgust.

"Fillistinez. Kum on, dat sounded like a gud fight waitin' ta 'appen."

###

FEROS - DA KORPORATE BIT

Tali pried her hands off the handlebars of the warbike, trying valiantly to stop them from shaking and failing quite spectacularly.

"Hah! Dat woz sum gud bikin', Bukkit! You too, Bounsy. Ash, you woz orful."

"All doo respekt, zog yerself."

"Alrite, les go."

The team found their way blocked by a forcefield, eventually deciding to take a drop down to a lower level. As they entered the wide open area they were met by a challenging roar and a fusillade of fire, hurriedly diving for cover.

Sheppurt shouted over his shoulder.

"Wot da zog, we's Orky ya dum 'tarded git!"

After another second or so the firestorm let up.

"Ohz. Woops."

A smaller Ork came out from behind a looted deffgun, the bevy of needles and saws about his person showing that he was a dok.

"I fort you wuz Geff."

"Duz we look like Geff, ya dum git?"

"Okayz, mebbe I woz a bit enfuziastik dere. Anyway, wot's you lot doin' 'ere?"

Sheppurt gestured grandly around as Ash machine gunned a couple of errant Varren.

"We's investigaytin'."

"Oo. Big wurd, well dun."

"Fanks. Wot's you doin' 'ere den?"

The dok puffed himself up.

"I's doin' siense."

Both Sheppurt and Ash took a smart step back, as if the dok had just pulled a live grenade.

"Wot kind o' siense?"

"Da siensy kind. Dere's dis fing livvin' unda da kolony. Dere be a big fansy name fer it but I just korl it da Grumpy Mushroomz. Is like dis funguz fing dat duz mind kentrol."

Tali and Liara exchanged alarmed glances.

"Okayz, dat be kinda kool. So you's testin' it on da Councilly gitz in da kolony den?"

"Yeppz. Unforchunately it takez about a monf ta do its gubbinz, so not gud fer grenadez. Is kwite kool tho."

Sheppurt glanced around.

"Soundz kool. Much as I luv konversayshun, dere's Geff dat need krumpin'."

The Dok nodded.

"You 'ave fun wiv dat. I'll meet ya out front when da Geff be gud an' krumped. Da name be Lezbuff, by da way. Take my identitee bitz, dey'll 'elp wiv da kompootaz."

"Fanks. Kum on, les get dis sho on da rode."

Leading his squad further into the Exo-Geni building, they encountered a VI with a thoroughly pissed off Krogan shouting at it.

"Stupid machine! Access encrypted files!"

"Access denied. Please contact your supervisor for a Level Four security exemption."

"I'll blast your virtual ass into actual dust!"

Sheppurt sighed and walked up beside the Krogan.

"I likez yer enfusiasm, but yer tekneek's a mess. 'Ere, lemme 'ave a bash. Wot filez you afta?"

The Krogan looked at him askance, taking in his heavy weapons and battle armour.

"So you're tech support?"

"Yeh. 'S a side job. So dis VI ..."

"I'm trying to access the encrypted files on the Thorian."

"Da wot?"

"Saren doesn't tell you much, does he?"

Sheppurt shrugged.

"I's noo. 'Ello VI. Dis Krog-boy be auforizered, auforrity of Dok Lezbuff."

"Very well. Please set up a guest user account."

"How long is this going to take?"

Sheppurt shrugged.

"Is not like dem gitz ad da Zoo's 'Ope be goin' anywhere."

"Point. Okay ... um ... Set up guest account."

"Please state your desired username."

"Destroyer of Skulls."

"I apologise, but the username 'Destroyer of Skulls' is already taken. Please select another one."

"Uh ... Maw Slayer."

"I apologise, but the username 'Maw Slayer' is already taken. Please select another one."

"Grr ... Fine. Username 184387."

"I apologise, but the username 'Username 184387' is already taken. Please select another one, or see our suggested usernames based on your previous attempts."

The Krogan snarled in frustration.

"Fine. Show me the suggested usernames."

"Suggested Username: Destroyer of 184387 Skulls."

"Fine, I'll go with that one."

"Very well. Please enter password for guest account 'Destroyer of 184387 Skulls'."

"Password."

"I apologise, but this does not meet our minimum security standard. Please try again."

Sheppurt helpfully chimed in.

"Jus' go wiv random lettas an' numbas, or we's gonna be 'ere all monf."

"Fine. Password ShgV682yyao3z."

"Password accepted. Please repeat password."

"Zog."

"Incorrect. Please repeat password."

The Krogan glanced at Sheppurt.

"How do I go back?"

"Dere shud be a kommand ta do dat ... Go bak."

"Incorrect. Please repeat password."

"Bak da zog up?"

"Incorrect. Please repeat password."

"Enta noo passwurd."

"Command accepted. Enter new password."

The Krogan screwed up his face in concentration.

"L-3-T-M-3-1-N."

"Password Accepted. Please repeat password."

"L3TM31N."

The VI blinked for a moment.

"Please complete this check to ensure you are not a VI or illegal cyberware. Read the letters from the image."

Both Ork and Krogan stared in befuddlement at the random shapes splattered across the VI's facade.

"Wot da zog is dat?"

Over the bland head of the VI avatar was plastered the phrase 'JIGGLIN DIX'.

"Sumbody's 'avin a larf."

The Krogan looked between Sheppurt and the offensive captcha.

"You say it."

"No, you sez it."

"You're the tech support guy."

"Is your akkount."

"Fine."

Glancing around furtively, the Krogan whispered the phrase.

"Unrecognised. Please re-enter phrase."

"Jiggling Dicks, okay? Are you happy now, you piece of shit!"

"Captcha accepted. Welcome, Destroyer of 184387 Skulls. Please set up your profile."

"Okayz, you duzzen't need me any more den. I's gotta go do tek supportin' elsewhere, I's catch ya later."

Leaving the Krogan behind them, the team moved further into the compound. The second they were out of earshot, they burst into laughter.

"Dat woz a gud wun, Bukkit. An' da Jigglin' Dix?"

"Liara's idea."

"Ha!"

Ash clapped Tali on the back, making her stumble forward.

"So you's set up kompootas ta zog wiv gits before?"

She nodded happily.

"It was one of my favourite tricks. Whenever a store clerk tried to mess with me, I screwed the store VI over."

"Nise wun Bukkit! We's gonna make a proppa Ork outta you yet!"

###

FEROS - DA BIG BRIJJY BIT

"'Old up 'ere, Kommando! Dat be ma boss on da talky-majik!"

Sheppurt waved a hand in the air and moments later the Warbikes screeched to a halt in front of a familiar ramp.

"Oh zog, is dat whiny korporate git again, wossisname."

"Efun Jonk."

"Dat."

The whiny Salarian was waving a pistol around like it was Bomm Fire Nite, mouthing off at everything and nothing. Lezbuff strode down the ramp, ignoring the security guards and raising a hand in greeting.

"Oy Bane! I'z bak!"

Another Ork stepped out from behind some crates, and Sheppurt did a double take. This Ork was enormous, abnormally so, with a very nice custom made Fluffy Baa Squig-skin coat and a bizarre looking mask over the lower half of his face.

"Iz gud ta see ya ain't got krumped by da Geff, Lezbuff."

"I ain't so easy ta krump."

The thin, reedy voice of the Salarian grated on the ears of the Orks.

"Come out! Come out where I can see you!"

The Normandy's fire team strolled out, weapons dangling loosely from hands as they affected the air of demigods forced to deal with someone who should be beneath their notice.

"Kommando Sheppurt. I suppose it was too much to hope the Geth killed you."

"You's wantin' sumbody chopped, do it yerself."

The Salarian let out a mad giggle.

"I found some interesting facts about you in the ExoGeni database. I know what happened on Torfan. This doesn't have to get bloody."

Sheppurt groaned and raised his shoota, only for the strange masked Ork to hold up a hand.

"Wait jus' wun sekkund."

Bane turned his attention fully to the increasingly less blustery Salarian.

"Yorr punnishmunt must be moar severe."

"'Old on a sek. Punnishmuntz don' rilly kum more severe dan dakka to da fase."

"Shaddup, I's makin' a reffrunce for da readas."

All present flinched as the room's fourth wall groaned alarmingly, the fifty thousand year old Prothean materials suddenly feeling a lot less solid.

"Don' do dat agen. Rite den, les go an' see about dealin' wif dis Grumpy Mushrooms den."

"Ya do kno dat fing will be mind kontrollin' all da kolonists rite?"

Sheppurt shrugged.

"Bit moar dakka, bit less dakka. Spikkin' o' dakka ..."

Nobody really complained when he shot Jeong in the face, although Tali let out a whimper inaudible to everyone save Liara, who squeezed the Quarian's hand in mutual comfort. Despite their best efforts to assimilate into Orkish culture while aboard the Normandy, they both found the random outbursts of violence that surrounded them on an everyday basis to be shocking and more than a little terrifying.

"Rite den, les go find dis Grumpy Mushroomz."

###

FEROS - DA ZOO'S 'OPE

"Have either of you ever seen anything like this?"

Garrus glanced around at Kadun and Wrex. There was no shame in admitting that each of them had probably seen more of the galaxy than his entire precinct back at C-sec put together.

"Nope. Nuffink kummin' ta mind. You?"

Wrex shook his head, keeping his attention firmly fixed on the bizarre plant-like bipeds standing in front of them. Thus far none of them had borne any ill intent, simply watching them and barring the way back to the colony.

All three looked up sharply as another figure came into view. This one was an Asari with startlingly green skin, wearing a bizarrely designed combat suit that seemed to consist of a giant leaf wrapped around her like a body glove, armour plates made of what looked like ossified wood prominent on her chest, shoulders and thighs. In her hands she held a weapon that looked like it had been grown on a tree that had been selectively bred by H.P. Lovecraft, pulsating vines slithering against one another under a natural wickerwork cage of thin branches, a long hose snaking around her back and presumably attached to some sort of ammunition unit. The fingers of her left hand were distorted into long claws and her eyes lacked any detail, merely being pale milky orbs set into her face.

"The Old Growth summons you. Follow."

The two aliens glanced at Kadun, who shrugged.

"Mite as well."

In the middle of the colony they were met by Sheppurt's team, who seemed equally confused by the events, following an identical Asari. The two green skinned women turned and began walking in eerie unison down a stairwell that had previously been covered by a cargo pallet.

"Ah. Kunnin'."

The seven strong Normandy team followed the two Asari clones down the stairwell, keeping their weapons raised in the highly likely event they were walking into a trap. As they reached the bottom, they found themselves before the much vaunted Grumpy Mushroomz.

"An' 'ow in da lak o' grace of Gork an' Mork did sumfink dat ugly evva kum about?"

"The Old Growth commands you show respect!"

Sheppurt shrugged.

"So den, Old Grof. You gave sumfink ta dat spiky git Sarrun. I need it."

"You refer to the Cipher, the imprint that will allow you to understand the visions of the Protheans."

"Dat wud be it."

"We shall gift this knowledge to the Young Growths, in the hope they have the ability to halt the Harvest."

Sheppurt quirked a nonexistent eyebrow at the choice of words but let it slide as the Asari stepped up to him in unison.

"EMBRACE ETERNITY!"

Less than five seconds later he stumbled back, the two Asari seemingly unaffected.

"Worr ... Dat woz krazzy."

"You gud, Boss?"

He nodded, turning to leave when the Asari clones spoke again.

"The Young Growths may leave, but the flesh that has stood in the presence of the Old Growth must stay and pay due service."

Sheppurt turned around very slowly. When he spoke next his voice had a quiet, calm tone to it that set off all sorts of warning bells to any that heard it.

"Say dat agen."

Instead of complying the two Asari clones raised their weapons as tendrils whipped down from the ceiling, wrapping around the four Normandy aliens and yanking them up into the air. An unearthly roar emitted from Sheppurt's throat.

"GIMME BAK MA KROO!"

He snatched the burna from Ash's hands, unloading the flamethrower at the giant plant in front of him. The creature screamed and thrashed as the flames spread over it, the burna shoved back into Ash's hands who promptly resumed the systematic immolation of the Thorian as Sheppurt and Kadun turned to help the rest of their crew. Wrex and Liara, both being biotics, had escaped with little difficulty and while Wrex started laying into the nearby Creepers, Liara latched onto the vines holding Garrus in place, her organic arm gripping onto the cowl of his armour while her power klaw made short work of the fleshy tendrils. As the two of them cut loose and fell, Tali was dragged out of sight onto an upper level.

"BUKKIT!"

With a furious warcry Sheppurt unslung his chain-choppa, holding it in one hand while he used his powerful Orkish muscles to climb after the screaming Quarian. The rest of the crew rushed after him, Liara, Wrex and Kadun using their biotics to assist the other two up the vertical surface.

The force of nature that was Sheppurt tore through the phalanxes of Thorian Creepers, absent mindedly noting that with the puppet master slowly burning to death the Creepers were starting to lose cohesion.

He blitzed his way through another group, spying Tali thrashing as her torso writhed of its own accord. He swiftly corrected himself - the Thorian's tendrils had somehow gotten under her exosuit. With a vicious tearing noise the barrier between her and the outside world was rent open, her helmet ripped off and her screams suddenly losing their slight synthesised quality.

"'Old on Bukkit! I's kummin!"

He lashed out with a long horizontal sweep, slicing through no less than four Creepers, then leaped upwards, scrambling the last couple of metres up to the top level where Tali was being held spread eagled against the wall, vines slithering over her body as a cocoon slowly closed around her. He slammed into the vines, hacking them away with his knife before reaching into the plant mush and bodily tearing his Quarian crewmate out of the prison.

Immediately he could tell she was in trouble. Her exosuit had been reduced to little more than tattered scraps of cloth hanging off her body, her helmet gone and a wide gash over her left eye where a fragment of her visor had cut into her face. Her breath came in ragged gasps and her eyes were unfocused as she lolled limply in his grip.

"Zog ..."

He took a vial off his belt, slamming the needle into Tali's neck and depressing the plunger. The powerful Orkish combat stimulant known as Fightin' Juice would hopefully keep her alive long enough to get to the dok back on the Normandy.

Gathering Tali to his chest, he started to run.

GLOSSARY

Krog-Dog: Varren

Star Waaagh!: A Citadel made film adaptation of the classic Orkish lichricher of the same name. Most notable for introducing the concept of "glowin' beemy cuttystikks" to galactic culture.

Lichricher: A major component of Ork Kultur used as a template for proper Orky behaviour. Bears a passing resemblance to Turian literature, the key differences being that it is unspeakably violent and grammatically cataclysmic. Famous examples include the 'Arry Choppa series, Squigs an' Squigsibility and Fivetey Shades o' Green.

Fightin' Juice: A powerful Orkish stimulant. When used in battle it sends Orks into a berserker rage and enables them to fight on despite critical wounds. Incidentally, Fightin' Juice abuse is a major Ork social problem.

CODEXY BITZ

Summary of 'Da Squinty WAAAGH!'

In early 2171 Ork colonists laid claim to several planets in the Attican Traverse, including two that the Batarian Hegemony had earmarked for colonisation. After diplomatic action to remove the Ork colonists failed (primarily because the colonists were Orks) the Batarians took matters into their own hands by authorising a retaliatory strike on the Ork kolony of Eleezium in 2176. This proved to be a mistake, as the Batarian ground assault was held up by the actions of a small Ork Kommando unit led by one Kommando Sheppurt, preventing them from destroying the spaceport and giving the Ork forces opportunity to encircle and destroy the Batarians with ease. Meanwhile in orbit the Batarian fleet was routed by a massive Ork armada led by Warboss Hakkit himself from his colossal flagship, the monster kroozer Deff Chariut.

From there, the Orks initiated a punitive campaign against the Batarian Hegemony that culminated in the utter destruction of a major Batarian fleet base and shipyard on the moon of Torfan. At this point Warboss Hakkit issued instructions that the Batarian homeworld of Khar'Shan remain untouched, but all other Batarian colonies were fair game. Although Hakkit's personal forces pulled out of the fight, several Batarian colonies were ravaged by Ork raiders and even today Batarians outside Khar'Shan live under the constant threat of random Ork attacks.

With the closest thing to a carte blanche Orks can get on Batarian shipping, massive hordes of freebooters have descended on Batarian territory, effectively killing all interplanetary trade within the Hegemony. Combined with a severe economic slump and major civil unrest caused by ever increasing draft rates and austerity measures, and it is only a matter of time before the Hegemony collapses in on itself in a bloody revolution. Perhaps the most worrying aspect of the situation is that Hakkit has all but confirmed he planned the entire event.

STG surveillance report - Engagement between Ork and Batarian forces, Camala system

C-4h: Ork scouts enter system and perform reconnaissance on Batarian forces.

C-3h: Ork scouts buzz Batarian fleet and flee, pursued by Batarian frigate packs. Scouts exit system via linear FTL jump, frigates pursue. Frigates do not return, presumably are ambushed and destroyed. Batarian fleet left with severely depleted frigate cover.

C-1/4h: Primary Ork fleet enters system via relay. Batarian ships lay in intercept course. Ork flagship identified as monster cruiser "Slamhamma", further to this Orks are recognised as an Evil Sunz force under Warboss McHail'o'Bitz.

Contact: Batarians open fire on Ork ships as they enter engagement envelopes. Orks confound initial firing solution with a sharp acceleration, apparently using their 'kustom enjinz'. Orks enter engagement envelopes and return fire with broadside batteries (note: Gunz in Ork fleet terminology). Threat database update - "Slamhamma" has been upgraded with an additional 'Eavy Gunz battery on the starboard side amidships.

C+1/2h: Ork light cruiser "Spleenrupchera" initiates boarding action on Batarian flagship "Divine Might". Co-ordination begins to break down in Batarian fleet.

C+3/4h: Batarian fleet effectively nullified. Ork transports achieve orbit. Ork heavy cruiser "Skrotul Ablitterashun" and troop transport "Metul Bawksez" damaged by ground fire before weapon sites are destroyed by orbital strikes.

C+1h: Ork forces begin landing on Camala opposed only at a local level.

C+4h: All organised Batarian resistance is crushed. Civilian populations are only attacked if they obstruct Ork groundside objectives.

C+6h: Ork Space Hulk "Da Grand Big Looty Space Flyin' Fing" enters low orbit. Ork shuttlecraft begin to transfer looted technology and raw materials to the Space Hulk.

C+14h: Ork looting operations are completed on the planet's surface. Ork raiders begin to return to the fleet.

C+17h: Ork Fleet disengages from Camala orbit.

C+18h: Ork Fleet exits system via Mass Relay.

C+22h: Batarian relief forces arrive in system.


	9. Chapta Niyn - Bukkits o' Limm Gloo

DA NORMANDY - KORRYDORZ

"MAKE AN 'OLE!"

Sheppurt barrelled through the corridors of the Normandy, ramming more than a few unfortunate grots. He was well aware of Tali's body being wracked with wet hacking coughs in his arms. If she died on his watch he'd ...

What would he do?

He smashed through the door to the dok shopp, the dok shouting in dismay and then again in concern as he registered the pale grey form being carried by his CO.

"Wot da zog 'appent?"

"Long story, dok. Kan ya fix dis?"

The dok shrugged.

"Mebbe. I 'as an idea wot ta do but even den dere be no prommises."

"Do it."

"Okay den. Get da frij-suit off 'er while I set dis up."

Sheppurt drew his knife, careful not to scratch Tali as he cut away the remnants of her exo-suit. She groaned and tried to weakly push him away but every time he pushed her hands back down before resuming his task.

Within a minute Tali was completely naked on the table. Since Orks had no taboo about nudity he thought little of it, instead turning to the dok for further instruction.

"'Ere. Put dis on 'er face."

Sheppurt nodded and fitted the breathing mask over Tali's nose and mouth, watching out of the corner of her eye as the dok stuck several needles into her arm.

"Okay den. All we kan do now is wate."

"Wate fer wot?"

"I's fluddin' 'er systum wiv Limm Gloo an' Fightin' Juice ta kill off all da infekshuns. Eiver she adapps ta da treetmunt or she gets chopped by da dizzeezez. Da only wun 'oo kan desside dat now is 'er."

DA NORMANDY - DA DOK SHOPP

When Tali next awoke, she was cold.

That was her overwhelming impression. Being cold was something she wasn't used to, since her exosuit was maintained at the ideal Quarian skin temperature of twenty four degrees.

Her next impression was that she was naked. Her eyes fluttered open, expecting to see a clean room. Instead she found herself looking at a ceiling she recognised as the Normandy's dok shopp. Without her purple tinted visor covering her face everything seemed to be much greener than she remembered.

On the heels of that thought was panic as she realised she was suitless in what had to be the least hygienic medical facility in history. She desperately cast around for a covering or a vial of antibacterials, then abruptly stopped as she caught sight of her hand.

It looked like something had cured her flesh with her still inside it. The skin on her hand lacked the creamy grey tint and papery texture that she knew she had, she was seeing a slate grey appendage with a faint hint of green to it, a leathery texture under her fingertips, which were tipped with short but sharp dark red claws.

She raised up her other hand, then checked over the rest of her body. Whatever transformation had been wrought on her was absolute and total.

She slid off the table, stretching to her full height. At first she thought she was standing on a stool, but looking down dispelled that notion. She was a good foot taller than she remembered being before she was grabbed by the Grumpy Mushroomz. Then she caught sight of her reflection.

The cracked and scuffed surface did little to hide the image that she saw looking back at her. Her hair had grown out from her close buzz cut, ending up between her shoulder blades and tinted a shade of deep red that reminded her of Wrex's armour. Her irises were the same shade and her pupils had been replaced with thin vertical slits, identical to Ork pupils. Her facial structure had changed as well, although she still recognised her own features her jaw was much squarer and the contours of her face were harsher and more angular. Opening her mouth showed her that the raised bumps under her lips were bone white tusks, that although much less prominent than Sheppurt's were definitely there. The black gal'luk, or birth lines, that had spread across her skin in looping patterns had been replaced by faint but noticeable hard angular shapes in blood red, separating her skin into rough irregular polygons like cracks in the thin rock atop a lava flow. Her entire frame had filled out, her previous willowy thin physique replaced by hard and well defined muscles. A long story short, she looked like herself, but Orky.

She reached up a clawed hand and touched the side of her face, watching her mirror image copy the action. Then her hand curled into a fist. She opened her mouth to scream, but instead what came out was a throaty bellow.

"WAAAAAAGH!"

DA NORMANDY - DA MESSY HORL

The first indication Sheppurt got that Tali was back on her feet was when the doors of the dok shopp were violently blasted open by the dok himself, oriented with his head pointed toward the floor and his feet to the ceiling as he travelled backwards out of his shopp at an impressive velocity. All present at the table winced sympathetically as he smacked into the opposite wall hard enough to leave an upside down dok shaped dent.

"Eh Boss? Fink Bukkit be waken' up."

Any further commentary was forestalled as the dok's head happened to be in the way of a barrel of Limm Gloo that had somehow been accelerated out the door, bursting on the poor Ork's thick skull and sending its foul smelling contents spraying outward with substantial force.

"WAAAAAAAGH!"

The Normandy crew, stunned into silence by the bellow as it were, were treated to a fresh wave of smashy sounds from the dok's haunt. To verify that the dok was out cold, Sheppurt tossed Deffchompa at him. The squig bounced off his head, rolled along the floor until it righted itself and promptly sank its teeth into Sheppurt's ankle with an indignant squawk. Ignoring the squig attempting to sever his foot, Sheppurt walked over to the downed dok.

"Cor. Bukkit rilly kleaned 'is klok."

"WAAAAAAAGH!"

Sheppurt barely had time to react before a greyish blur slammed into him, bowling him off his feet. Liara gasped and put a hand to her mouth.

"Is that Tali?"

Wrex stared at the figure currently bellowing and pummelling the living daylights out of their commander.

"I think so ..."

"Oh my."

Ash chortled.

"Kor, look at 'um go! Dunno wot 'appent but Bukkit's in a proppa blud rage."

Wrex glanced across, a surprised expression on his face.

"Orks get Blood Rage?"

Ash nodded in affirmation.

"Yeppz. Da only fing is only uvver Orks kan tell. Da Citadelly types fink dat's 'ow we normully is."

Wrex merely raised a brow.

"So mebbe we be like dat ate puh finguz of da time."

They turned their attention back to the almighty dust up happening by the entrance to the dok shopp. Sheppurt had clearly gotten tired of taking a pummelling and was fighting back, both him and Tali little more than blurs as they exchanged blows quicker than the eye could process.

"Oy Bukkit, you's nekkit."

Tali hesitated for a split second at Sheppurt's words and he took the opportunity to deliver an uppercut that knocked her flat on her back where she lay, clutching her stomach and wheezing.

"Kum on Bukkit, les get you kleened up."

He picked her up and carried her into the medbay, almost as an afterthought flicking his ankle and sending Deffchompa sailing through the air. He emerged a moment later and grabbed the dok by the ankle, dragging him into the shopp, before picking up the door and closing it behind him.

"Wot da zog ..."

DA NORMANDY - DA DOK SHOPP

Sheppurt pressed the rag to Tali's head, wiping off the violet blood oozing from a nasty cut above her left eye. She shivered and clutched the squighide vest he had given her, unused to the cold.

"I don't understand. Why aren't I dead? And what in Keelah's name happened to me?"

Sheppurt squeezed her shoulder, wordlessly offering comfort as he cleaned one of the many cuts and bruises he had inflicted while she had been in the grip of battle fury. He ignored the sensation of his own blood oozing from a split lip and three thick scratches along his left bicep.

"My best gess wud be dat sumhow da Orky funguz got inta yer sistum wen we treeted you fer infekshunz. Normully it wuddent do dat but it mite be bekos bukkits don't 'ave gud immoon sistums dat it did. Like it or not, you's 'arf Orky now."

"But how is that possible?"

"I's no dok. But we kno it be possibul ta sum dagree. Duz you know about Orci?"

She shook her head.

"Well, dey be kinda 'ard ta find nowadayz. So da way it goez is dat an Ork an' a Bouncy deside ta make a littul bounsy. It 'appens more dan you mite fink. So if dey just duz da brane fing den da littul bounsy is jus' a reggeler bounsy, but if da boy stikks 'is kok up 'er ..."

"Okay, I get it."

"Ennyway, da Orky funguz goez inta da littul bebby bounsy an' den you get an Orci. Dey be like bounsies wiv Orky bits, or Orks wiv bounsy bits dependin' on 'oo ya ask. Da point is mebbe wen we pumped ya full 'o Limm Gloo sumfink similar 'appent."

"So I'm part Ork?"

"Looks dat way."

She was quiet for a long time as Sheppurt cleaned her wounds.

"Look at dat. Dem woond's klozin' up olreddy."

"What am I going to tell my father? Keelah, I'm a freak! They're going to exile me, or experiment on me, or ..."

He caught her hands as they started wringing nervously.

"Now I kan't make any prommises 'bout da rest of da galaksee, but you's olways gon' 'ave a plase on ma kroo, no matter wot."

She looked at him for a second and then her whole body was wracked by a sob. She leaned into him and after a moment's hesitation, he gingerly put his arms around her shoulders.

"Oo, ma 'ead ..."

A swift kick sent the dok back to oblivion as Sheppurt held the weeping Tali in his arms.

DA NORMANDY - DA ARMEE ... ARMER ... DAKKA SHED

"So den Bukkit. Anyfink catch yer fansy?"

Tali reached up a hand and rubbed at the three Orkish glyphs tattooed on her neck in blue ink as she looked around the armoury. Sheppurt had insisted she get an Orkish tattoo to celebrate an unspecified thing, and she had selected some markings that originated from the Deathskulls clan. Given her natural affinity for obtaining and modifying old tech it seemed somewhat apropos.

She was wearing a squighide vest and boots, these modified to fit her slimmer frame, and trousers made of a surprisingly soft canvas like material. She had added a hood to the vest in deference to her Quarian sensibilities but her arms and hands were bare. It seemed that the entire crew wore no sleeves when not in combat armour, even Wrex, Garrus and Liara had picked up the habit and it made her feel more like part of the team to do the same, however illogical.

She reached out, running a hand over the various weapons until it settled on one seemingly at random.

"Well den, pull it out an' 'ave a look."

She lifted out the weapon, feeling the heft, and looked it over. It consisted of a long metal shaft with a disturbingly large circular saw mounted on either end, facing in opposite directions.

"Cor, dat wun looks like it kud be an 'andful."

She slipped her hands around the grips, feeling the activation studs for the saw blades under her fingers. She swung it a couple of times, getting used to the balance, then twirled it over her head and round over the back of her shoulders. Ever since her transformation she had found she had more and more of an instinct for using close combat implements like the polearm she was holding.

"Dat's a big stikk fer a littul bukkit."

"I'm only about a foot shorter than you now."

"Shore you don' wont ta try sumfink more 'andy?"

"I like this one."

"Okay den."

He picked out an implement of his own. This one looked like a long staff with a heavy cylindrical mace head at each end, studded with spikes and with several thick wires tangling around the handle. A touch of the activation stud sent blue sparks crackling and arcing over the spiked weights at each end of the staff.

"Well den. Les see wot you's got."

DA NORMANDY - DA FIGHTIN' RING

"Da roolz be simpul. Don' akshullee kill da uvver git. Anyfink less dan dat kan be fiksed by da dok aftawards. Try ta make it nise an' vilunt."

Tali glanced nervously between Sheppurt and Wrex. Her first proper melee fight was going to be a free for all between her, one of the most dangerous Krogan Battlemasters in recent history and a biotic to boot, and Sheppurt, the infamous Slotterer o' Torfan and Squiggoth o' Eleezium, widely regarded as the greatest Ork Kommando since the time of Snikrot, da Red Skull.

Wrex chortled and hefted his own weapon, a double bladed chainaxe that probably weighed about as much as Liara, not including her cybork arm. By agreement they had decided not to activate their weapons but Tali was certain that a good hit from either of her opponents could shatter bone, and despite her recent transformation she was still the most fragile of the three.

"An' in forr, five, free, too, wun an' fight."

With a roar Sheppurt and Wrex charged each other, Tali running along the edge of the ring to blindside Sheppurt. Both aliens soon learned why Sheppurt was such an effective fighter. His staff twirled through the air, deftly intercepting and redirecting both Wrex's powerful swings and her quick strikes.

Sheppurt snapped his weapon up, catching Wrex's axe between the two handgrips, and hooked his staff underneath the axe blade. Roaring in exertion, he heaved Wrex over his shoulder, sending the Krogan barreling at Tali. She jumped over him, transferring her momentum into an almighty overhand swing that was swiftly derailed by Sheppurt jabbing the rounded end of his staff into her gut. She folded around the weapon, wheezing for breath as he flung her over his head. She smacked into the wall of the ring, bouncing off and collapsing to the ground. Such an injury would have killed a normal Quarian, but she scrambled to her feet, lunging across the ring and grabbing her polearm from where it had fallen.

"Kum on Krog-boy. You kan do betta dan dat."

With a roar, both Tali and Wrex threw themselves at Sheppurt.

DA NORMANDY - DA DOK SHOPP

"Owowowowow!"

"Kwit winin' ya big bebby."

Tali hissed in pain as the dok set her broken arm, trying to ignore the gritty sensation that she was told was a by-product of the fungal cells in her body regenerating the injured limb. Wrex had already left the shopp, his Krogan healing factor having taken care of the beating he had received at the hands of their commander.

"Dere we go. Giv it 'arf an owwer an' it be orl betta."

"Half an hour?"

"Yeah. You mite not heel as kwik as a reggeler Ork but ya heel much kwikka dan a reggeler bukkit. Pluz fanks to da Orky funguz dere izzunt enny risk o' infekshunz."

"Wow."

She raised her arm and turned it in front of her face, staring at it.

"I'm still trying to get used to this."

She left the dok shopp, running into Kadun who had just been heading over there.

"Gud ta see you up, Bukkit. Ow's ya doin'?"

"I'm okay, thank you. Where are we going now?"

"We's got a messij from sum Warboss. Dere be a roag Orky tribe we's 'untin."

"Really? Who are they?"

"Dey korl demselves Da Free 'Eaded Squig."

GLOSSARY

Puh Finguz: The Ork version of percentages, used because the vast majority of Orks cannot count higher than the number of fingers they have. Varies based on the number of fingers an Ork has left. As an example, a young Ork with all ten fingers might say 'five puh finguz' to mean fifty per cent, but for an Ork with one hand replaced by a power klaw fifty per cent would be couched as 'too an' a bit puh finguz'.

Viluntz: 1. Violence (Dam, but dem Krog-boyz know viluntz.) 2. Manners/Decorum (E's nise enuff but e's got terribul tabul viluntz.) 3. Honour or Integrity, usually used in conjunction with conduct during competitions or combat. (I'z wantin' a gud an' vilunt game dis time. Lookin' at you, 'Eadbatta.) 4. Bowel movements. (Aw, at least 'old yer viluntz 'till yer on a pot! Zoggin' Snakebites, all da same dese days. An' no more squig kurry nite, I'z puttin' ma foot down afta dis.)

CODEXY BITZ

Excerpt from 'Memetic gene transfer of Orkoid DNA into Asari tissue cultures' (Solus and Heplorn, March 2181)

... The first indication of this effect was seen in the initial generation of Ork/Asari children, who demonstrated significant physiological deviation from the Asari norm, including Orkoid skin tones and head shape, increased size, enhanced musculature and accelerated development. The only universal among these symptoms was that the offspring identified themselves as 'Orky' even if solely raised by Asari. Most notably, this effect is only observed if an aspect of intercourse was involved in the conception - offspring spawned purely by mind meld will function as normal Asari children.

From a genetic perspective this effect has been shown to result from the fungal component of Ork physiology, universal to all Orkoid life forms, combined with several DNA altering enzymes present in Ork ejaculate and other substances derived from Ork biology such as certain foods and medical supplies.

A cocktail of proteins and fungal DNA representing the active mixture, designated Ork TBG-Splicing Complex Alpha Residue (OSCAR for short) was prepared and cloned tissue samples of Asari cells were tested ...

(Methodology section omitted)

... as predicted, the adult Asari tissue had a strong immune reaction to OSCAR, resulting in very few splices occurring. In addition, all successfully spliced cells underwent necrosis as a result of cellular regulation mechanisms identifying the foreign nature of the Orkoid DNA. However the embryonic tissue samples successfully spliced their genetic code with OSCAR due to the lack of an immune response, and the rapid division of the cells combined with the Ork healing factor of the spliced cells ensured that the tissue sample stabilised into pure hybrid tissue.

Further to these experiments, three more adult Asari tissue samples were prepared. One was treated to kill the immune system, one was agitated to increase cellular turnover and the third had both processes ...

(Methodology section omitted)

... that only the third sample achieved the stable hybrid state, proving that in order to successfully hybridise Ork DNA into another tissue the target cells must be both immunosuppressed and have a rapid turnover rate.


	10. Chapta Ten - Free 'Eaded Squig

**BINFOO - DA SURFISS**

The Mekbuggy roared over the crest of the hill, bouncing up and down on its shocks as it tore up the surface of Binthu. As they charged along at some unholy speed, Tali threw her hands into the air and bellowed like a maniac. She couldn't fathom what she had been complaining about before. The sheer velocity gave her a rush more powerful than anything she had experienced.

"AHAHAHAHA! FASTER!"

Garrus and Liara in the back seats stared at Tali in disbelief. There was something fundamentally disturbing about seeing Tali act like an Ork. Despite her new eight foot height and physical strength she had still acted like the tiny little timid Quarian they had known, at least most of the time.

"I KAN DO DAT!"

Sheppurt squeezed down the accelerator pedal, adding a good forty kilometres per hour to the already mad speed. Up in the turret Wrex shouted in alarm.

"CLIFF!"

"I KNO!"

Garrus squeezed his eyes shut as the Mekbuggy soared off the edge of a cliff, plummeting twenty metres. Sheppurt pulsed the vertical jets just enough to bring their impact velocity just the right side of survivable, and the immense jolt had Liara mumbling something about her poor spine.

"WOO! ZOG YEH!"

They crested another ridge and then the Free 'Eaded Squig camp was there. Orks shouted in alarm and ran around, waving weapons and generally making a lot of fuss as Wrex jammed down the firing handles on the turret. The now familiar storm of dakka erupted from the weapon, rolling over the encampment. Tents and Orks were shredded in equal measure as the buggy circled, not giving them a moment to recover.

High above the carnage, the Deffkopta came around, weapons already aimed, or at least what passed for aiming among Orks. In the gun seat, Ash stroked the trigger with a psychopathic gleam in his eye.

"Oy Kadun, 'as da boss givvun da wurd yet?"

"Kool yer jetz, Ash. I 'azzent 'eard squig from da boss."

"But I wanna dakka!"

"Well 'old it."

Kadun resisted the urge to sigh. It was said that one in five Orks over the age of forty suffered from premature edakkalation, but until he had met Ash he had never realised just how annoying it was.

His irritation was swiftly relieved by Sheppurt's voice over the comm.

"Ay Kadun, deel wiv dat looted tank."

A quick visual scan showed the tank in question.

"Ash, see dat looted tank? Boss wontz it ta be ablitterated."

The Flash Git's manic cackle was drowned out by the roar of armour piercing rokkits as an entire salvo was unleashed at the unfortunate tank.

"Gud. Now 'it da dakka shed."

The Orkish armoury detonated with an aesthetically pleasing fireball and a shockwave that almost sent the kopta into a tailspin. Fortunately Kadun was able to correct and they went on raining down dakka on Free 'Eaded Squig's encampment.

"Olrite. You too stay up dere an' keep an eye on da outside. We's goin' inta da unnergroun' bitz."

**BINFOO - DA UNNERGROUN' BITZ****  
**  
Sheppurt, Tali, Liara and Wrex exchanged a series of glances as they advanced down the corridor. The four of them had unslung their heavy melee weapons, all the better to take advantage of the close range fighting that was sure to follow. Liara of course had her weirdstikk in one hand and power klaw on the other, and Garrus had elected to stay behind and guard the buggy, seeing as close range was not his strong suit.

"Sheppurt, I'm detecting some strange life signs ahead."

Sheppurt glanced to Tali, who was tapping her Omnitool.

"'Ow menny?"

"Five Orks, seven unknowns and one that I'm not sure what to make of. One minute my tool says it's an Ork, the next it says unknown, then it says it's ten Orks all at once."

"Dat be odd. Okies, we's goin' fer a blind an' bash. Furmal lookas."

The four of them slid the bulky Council made thermal visors down over their eyes and eased smoke grenades out of various pockets and pouches about their person. Blind and bash was a tactic that had been developed by Sheppurt back when he had been part of the Snikky Stabbas Kommando unit. The concept was to fill a room with dense smoke and then cut down its occupants in melee, hopefully before one of them could raise an alarm.

"Stan' by."

They stacked up two either side of the door, ready to dash in as soon as Sheppurt gave the word.

"An'a free, too, wun ..."

The door slid open and Sheppurt and Wrex each lobbed two smoke grenades into the room. As it filled up with thick, oily smoke they charged in, followed by Tali and Liara who threw their own smoke bombs. Within seconds the Free 'Eaded Squig Orks were completely blind. A state that, unfortunately for them, did not extend to their opponents.

Of the four of them, Liara was the one who got two kills, snipping a head off with her power klaw and impaling a torso on her weirdstikk in the same motion. The other three contented themselves with one kill apiece, then turned to examine the figures in the large cage that dominated the centre of the room.

"Ah zog. More o' dem 'uskz. Wot da zog is Free 'Eaded Squig doin' 'ere?"

Tali shrugged.

"I have no clue. But clearly they don't know what you're supposed to do with husks."

Liara spoke up.

"I'm not sure what that is ..."

"Kill them until they are very, very dead, then kill them a bit more just to be sure."

Liara looked quite taken aback at the bloodthirsty tone in Tali's voice.

"Da only gud 'usk be a dead 'usk. An' da only fing betta dan a dead 'usk be a dyin' 'usk 'oo points ta where ya kan find 'is mates. Stikk yer shootas fru da bars an' chop dem 'usks. Now wot about dis funny life sine you's got?"

As Wrex and Liara unloaded on the husks, Sheppurt and Tali moved off to the side. Tali brought up her Omnitool, tapping a couple of buttons. Sheppurt was amused to see the orange interface had been changed to a bright blood red.

"Red?"

"The red ones have a higher processing speed."

"Ah, okays. So wot duz you got?"

"I have no idea. But it's in the next room, whatever it is."

"Les go chekk it out, den."

Rallying Wrex and Liara, Sheppurt led his team through a short corridor and into the next room. Which was empty.

"Bukkit, you sed ..."

"I know! As soon as we entered the room it disappeared!"

"Zoggit! A trap!"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the door slammed closed.

"Brase fer kontakt!"

After a tense ten seconds a hologram appeared at one end of the room. The Ork depicted would probably stand at twenty feet tall if he got off his exceptionally sturdy chair, and had both eyes replaced with cybork implants that glinted eerily blue.

"Kommando Sheppurt. An ... frendz. I's bin wantin' ta tork ta yer fer a while now."

Sheppurt looked the hologram over.

"An' 'oo da zog be you?"

"Sum korl me ... Tim."

"Tim, den. Wot you wont?"

A glance to the side showed that Wrex and Liara were trying to pry open the door, Tali hovering over them mashing buttons on her Omnitool. He looked back to Tim.

"I 'as ta say, you's a bit of a disappoyntmunt, Sheppurt. Consortin' wiv da ennemy."

"Oh zog, you be wun of dose den. Bet you be buddehs wiv Kim Jong Oon an' 'ave a framed picshur of Addolp Squigler in yer sleepin' room too."

"Kwite da kontrary, in fakt. I's wun of da foo Orks 'oo rekkernises dat yer Citadelly frendz wud turn on us da sekkund dey fort dey 'ad da advantij. Da Free 'Eaded Squigs be makin' shore dey nevva 'ave dat advantij, yoosin' enny meanz."

Sheppurt was silent for a few moments.

"Doin' siense?"

"'Opefully you rekkernise why we woz keepin' dose 'usks."

"I duzzen't give a zog why you's keepin' 'usks in a kaje. But doin' siense? Is you so mad dat you's sunken ta doin' siense?"

Tim reached up and rubbed his forehead.

"Siriusly, dat's wot you's mad about? Dat I's doin' siense?"

"You kno wot, I's dun torkin' ta da likes of you."

With that, Sheppurt blasted through the hologram generator, banishing the image of Tim.

"Get dese doors opun. Blast 'em if ya 'ave to. We's dun wastin' time on dese loonatikz."

**UNDISKLOZERED LOK ... LOKAY ... PLASE**

Tim leaned back in his sitty kontrapzhun, one of his two remaining organic fingers tapping against his chin in contemplation. He supposed it would be appropriate to be angered at Sheppurt for knocking over one of his operations but instead he felt ... intrigued. Not only was Sheppurt a remarkable physical specimen but he was clearly a thinker as well. If only he could be brought around ...

And that Quarian had been intriguing as well. He had heard of the Orci, Ork/Asari crossbreeds, but never of an Ork/Quarian cross before. He tapped a pressy fing on the arm of his sitty kontrapzhun.

"Get me Marander. I's got a noo projekt."

He looked back to the still image of Sheppurt, gun raised to the camera. It had been a long time since Tim had been interested so much in one particular Ork. But then again, he mused, Orks of the same caliber as Sheppurt were hard to come by. The only other one he knew of was himself back in his prime, before First Contact had ruined his species.

Of course, back then he hadn't had to use the alias Tim, but it was a regrettable necessity now. After all, if Hakkit got wind of his old arch nemesis still around he would bring the onslaught long before Free 'Eaded Squig was ready.

No, he thought to himself. The name Ghazghkull Mag-Uruk Thraka must stay buried for now.  
**  
****GLOSSARY**

**Sitty Kontrapzhun**: An unusually ostentatious bossing chair replete with pressy buttonz, talky-majiks and shoutin' pipes. More luxurious models may include a squig wheel powered mechanical back scratcher for those hard to reach itches.

**CODEXY BITZ**

STG Report: Ork War Chants (transcripts in original Orkish - translations pending)

Note: These chants are only used in a two month window centred around the Orkish festival of Squigmas, and are known in Orkish as Squigmas Karrolz. The significance of these chants is not yet understood by the STG Ork Observation Group.

**WE WISH YOU AN ORKY SQUIGMAS**

We wish you an Orky Squigmas,  
We wish you an Orky Squigmas,  
We wish you an Orky Squigmas,  
An' an 'appy noo Waaagh!

Gud dakka we bring,  
Fer you an' yer boyz,  
We wish you an Orky Squigmas,  
An' an 'appy noo Waaagh!

**ROKKIT TANKS**

Rokkit Tanks, Rokkit Tanks,  
Lootin' orl da way!  
O' wot fun it iz ta ride,  
Inna rokkit powered tank, Ay!  
Rokkit Tanks, Rokkit Tanks,  
Lootin' orl da way!  
O' wot fun it iz ta ride,  
Inna rokkit powered tank, Ay!

Dashin' fru da fite,  
Inna rokkit powered tank,  
Ova dere 'eads we go,  
Lootin' all dere bitz!  
Now 'ere kums dere boss,  
'E finks e's rilly 'ard,  
'Till we splatta 'im ta deff,  
Wiv our rokkit powered tank, Ay!

**DA TWELV DAYZ O' SQUIGMAS**

On da Furst day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
An 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da sekkund day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Too Squiggly Beasts,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da furd day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Free Stikkbomms,  
Wun uvver fing,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da forrf day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Forr bashin' stikks,  
Too uvver fings,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da fiff day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Five golden teef,  
Free uvver fings,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da siksf day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Siks bommas bommin',  
Sum uvver fings,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da sevvunf day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Sevvun choppas choppin',  
Sum uvver fings,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da atef day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Ate Squigs a'splodin',  
Sum uvver fings,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da niynf day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Niyn shootas shootin',  
Sum uvver fings,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da tenf day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Ten bounsies bounsin',  
Sum uvver fings,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da allevunf day o' Squigmas a Loota nikked fer me,  
Alevvun spikies runnin' away,  
Sum uvver fings,  
An' an 'at bigga dan a Deff Dread.

On da twelf day o' Squigmas dat zoggin' Loota nikked it orl bak an' gave it ta sumwun else so I killed 'im wiv me bare 'ands an' kept da 'at.


End file.
